Please hold on. Please set luggage cart brakes to on.

Hanging out at one of my favorite airports - SFO. I wonder how many hours I've spent here over the past 10 years. It's nice and clean, laid out well, and there is always great people watching.

As I hoped, I slept in this morning - it was desperately needed. I saw a couple of inspirational stories on the Today show this morning. The first one was about a young lady from the US who had been in Haiti teaching English. She had been trapped by the earthquake and ended up losing her leg. Despite that she had the most beautiful, genuine smile on her face and she stayed focused on the blessings not the tragedy. Just incredible strength, faith, and courage in such a young woman.

The second story was about four young men who decided to create a bucket list and are traveling around the country achieving their top 100 items.

We have so little time on this earth - we should always be in the mode of prioritizing and focusing on the right things. We waste so much time on trivial meaningless activities. I guess it's a little late, but that's my new year's resolution - learning to better focus my time on the things that matter most.

Missing my boys...

SF class wrapped up today... what a great experience. As always, just incredible people! One student is taking the exam tomorrow at 1. I become very personally involved in their success... I'll be on pins and needles until I get the call from her in the afternoon.

Having a tough time still with the boys being gone. It just hits me like a wave... like a big, drowning wave and it hurts in my heart. I think of laying on the floor next to my Sam Bone, giving him a big hug and snuggling with him. He would come up to me throughout the day in his lazy, slow-paced style and paw at me with a big, heavy foot. I will forever hold the image of him laying in the kitchen, chin up on the divider between the kitchen and family room.

I think of Bangara, that very first night in India. Falling in love with him and knowing in my heart I would bring him home with me, no matter what it took. I think of him flying all that way, wild yet tamed. Unpredictable yet consistent. He would dance when I came home off the road, always happy to see me.

I try to tell myself that I gave them both time. I gave them both love and kindness that they wouldn't have had otherwise. Sam would have died that day, had I not rescued him. Bangara would probably have only lasted a week or two. I gave them a few years and I have absolutely no doubt that they knew every single moment of every day how much I loved them. I was there when they got a 2nd chance and I was there when they took their last breaths. And I just want them back.

Addicted to Chaos

Today is day 3 of my San Francisco class. I only have two students, but it's so fun! We are in a boardroom and it is definitely very intimate. Because it's just the two of them, we're able to take time on the topics they may struggle with and move at their pace. One is taking her test on Friday and the other would like to take it within the next few weeks - still working on his application. As with all my classes, I end up having great encounters - this was no exception. Both of my students are Christians and we all attend very similar churches. It was great to have spiritual discussion and talk about the challenges of walking the walk in our day to day life. I thank God frequently for the people that He puts in my path!

I am looking forward to heading home on Friday - two weeks is a long time to be away. But I do have to say that it definitely helps the marriage. I miss Devin a lot when I'm on the road and it really makes me appreciate the time we are together. And we are WAY past due for a date night, so it's on this weekend! I can't wait!

And on that note - we make one hell of a team. The craziness has continued and he has stepped up and taken on a huge role in our company. I could not do all this without him. We have a lot of irons in the fire, not to mention the newest course book (which, by the way, is being sent off to print today!!! YAY!!!!).

I'm thrilled to be starting classes at BU today... not sure how I'm going to squeeze any more time out of my day, but I will do it and I will be successful. I think it's important for me to have not only the practical / real world knowledge but also the academic side. And I just love higher education!

So my primary goal is going to be much better time allocation during my day and a better prioritization of what's important. One critical thing? EXERCISE. I cannot believe how much weight I've gained and how quickly it went on. Ah, the beautiful joy of being 5'2", 40 and post-menopausal. (Wow - that makes me sound really freaking old!!!!) Can't have that.

Yummy, yummy vegetables!

A new year has started and I can honestly say I'm definitely looking forward to it. If the past two weeks are any indication, it's going to be a huge year for us and our business! I guess "doing the right thing" does pay off in the long run. I feel great knowing that we have a growing loyal fan base out there. Although 2009 may have ended on a low note, a wise young woman frequently reminds me, everything happens for a reason. And it seems like we will not only survive, we will thrive.

So to sum up 2009:

1. Brandy got stationed in CA
2. We decided to author our own courseware
3. And got crazier still when we decided to launch an extension to our company - Passionate Project Management
4. Delivered classes in over a dozen cities
5. Brooke graduated from high school, boot camp, and got stationed in Pensacola
6. I got to spend two weeks with my niece, Sinara Dawn :)
7. I was able to continue the annual ritual of a drive up Route 1 in Maine with Kim, with an incredibly relaxing overnight visit to Camden and a stop in Bucksport to visit with Stacie
8. FINALLY went to a Red Sox game at Fenway (Thank you Kim!!)
9. We backpacked RMNP (and I survived a massive gluten OD in the back woods - with very little style, but a lot of humor!!)
10. We went to the Dominican Republic with K & T - and learned that four friends CAN share a small hotel room... and still be friends.
11. Devin experienced his first Fryeburg Fair and autumn in New England
    
12. We did our first home exchange - to Paris! It was absolutely amazing - a great place to celebrate my 40th birthday!!
13. We officially welcomed Celia to the Fremouw family (I have the most amazing nieces!)
    
14. We made the hardest decision of our lives... and lost our two boys. We will love them forever...
15. We learned a very hard and painful business lesson.
16. We celebrated two holidays with no major family drama.... (wow? really???)

I remember last spring thinking how crazy July through October were going to be, with back-to-back trips. Now I realize, that's not crazy, it's just my life. And I wouldn't change it for anything!

I'm in Boston this week - spent the last two days with Kim, went to the Bruins Legends game at Fenway in a snowstorm, and was reminded why I moved to AZ! The snow is beautiful, but can't imagine having to drive in it or shovel it.

Got the call moms always dread - Brandy was in an accident, dumped her bike. Her bike is totaled but we are very grateful that she is alive. She has a lot of road rash and a sprained ankle and sprained knee. Poor kid. Just so happy it wasn't worse.

Class tomorrow here in Boston, off to San Fran on Sunday, Atlanta the following week, and then two back-to-back Phoenix classes. Let the fun begin!!

The straw...

Do you ever just have one of those days that you think you can't possibly take anything else?

Yeah.... I'm having one of those weeks. Now the good news is that I know what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. AND I have faith and trust and I know all things work out as they are supposed to.

Christmas is always a tough time of year for me... no matter how hard I try not to, I relate it to the loss of my best friend, killed by a drunk driver a few days before Christmas. Any magic that existed around the holiday died with her. Add to that the overwhelming sense of loss at the death of our two boys - Sampson and Bangara, an empty-nest, and getting taken for over $12k. Yep. I'm not feeling too merry.

Here's the business deal. I feel the need to put it in writing, because it will make me feel better! :)

We've been working with Intense Schools for the past few months. I will facilitate some of their PMP courses for them and they also have switched over to using our curriculum. For us, this is a huge partnership. To us, it's all about how you treat your clients. For all intents and purposes, it appeared to us as though Intense School really did value their clients and was looking out for their best interest.

Over the past five weeks, I delivered two classes for them - one in Atlanta and one in DC. I was very hesitant to do the one in DC, mainly because of money. I had been asked to do a class that week for IS in San Diego - this would work out well because I could drive and it would save us money. When they switched my class to DC, not only would my travel expenses be a lot greater, they didn't want to pay us for the books. Even after having to pay $800 for a plane ticket, I agreed to do the class due to the future partnership with IS. We felt it was worth the sacrifice.

Long story short, IS is sitting on five invoices, totalling over $12k. On Thursday, I find out from another instructor that Vigilar, the parent company, has closed the doors. Meanwhile, just the day before, I had referred over potential students to IS and received an email thanking me from the director of training. Yet, not surprisingly, as soon as I started asking about the invoices, I get no response. I've tried calling all of the numbers, emailing everyone and we get nothing.

This $12k may mean the difference in us being able to keep our home or not. This $12k is money we worked very hard for and earned every penny. It would be one thing if they just approached us, explained what was going on, and were at least honest. But the truth appears to be that they knew they weren't going to be able to pay us. I since found out that they are still trying to collect money from students, yet the chances they will be able to run classes is pretty slim since they've screwed over all of their instructors.

Ok. I feel slightly better. Makes me really proud of the way we do business. We may struggle to survive, but at least I can sleep at night knowing that we're doing the right thing.

But.... the good news is that this week I'll have all of my girls home and life will go on. Things will get better.

My beliefs

Ok... so this might cause some upset... BUT... here are my beliefs. In black and white.

1. There is such thing as karma. Do the right thing. ALWAYS. It will come back to you.
2. Christ was here. He died for us. God gave His son for our sins. Of this, I have no doubts.
3. Cheating is the most disgusting act. The only thing worse then men who give in to their lust is the stupid women that do it with a married man. They are lower than the plankton that the pond scum feeds upon.
4. No matter how much we try to give our "lessons learned" to our children, they need to learn it for themselves. All the cruel lessons of life.... There is no "get-out-of-jail-card-free".
5. There is nothing like a best friend. She (or he) is irreplaceable.
6. You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family (0k... I stole that one). And bottom line, there is something about your family that, no matter what, you gotta love. They made you what you are... for better or for worse.
7. Attitude is everything. I have seen a bitter person defeated under the same circumstances that I've seen a strong person suceed. The power is ours.
8. Nobody "owes" us anything. We are here to work hard, earn our keep, and be deserving of what we receive.
9. I like Sarah Palin. I really do. I think she's real. I think she's cool. Hats off to a hockey-mom. It's ok... really.
10. Obama = Hitler. But worse. (Can you say "satan"?) Enough said.
11. As soon as you stop wanting to learn and grow and challenge yourself, you've died.
12. Count your blessings every day. Live each day like it's your last... it might very well be.
13. I believe in the right to bear arms. If my government isn't going to protect me, I'll take care of it.
14. People who steal SUCK.
15. Bitterness and unforgiveness is like cancer. It eats away at your heart and soul.
16. There is nothing more amazing than a dog curled up at the end of your bed.
17. If you don't believe in God, just turn to nature. Marvel at the sunrise, the trout in the stream, the trees reaching to heaven, the smell of pine.
18. Beauty is truly on skin-deep. Look inside to know the soul.
19. Travel. Be open to other cultures, beliefs. If you travel, truly experience the culture. It will be life-changing.
20. God blessed me... truly. I have three amazing daughters, a best friend that I love more than anyone, and a husband that truly loves me. It is my duty, and my honor, to earn those blessings every day from here on out.
21. And... yep... I will beat them all at the sprint triathlon in March. BRING IT ON!

Hard day

I don't even know where to begin. My heart feels like it is broken into a million pieces. There are only a few times in my life when I have felt pain like this and I could live the rest of my life never feeling it again.

To back-up a little....
We have four dogs - our little malte-poo Baxter who is about to be 10, Bangara who is a street dog from India whom I rescued while I was working in Bangalore, Sampson who just turned 2, rescued from the euthanasia list, and Sierra, also almost 2 who was also on "the list". Last spring we had a horrible episode when through some type of escalation, Bangara turned on little Baxter. He started attacking him and that aroused the pack or fight instinct in Sampson. The attack was brutal and Baxter was lucky to come out alive. He required surgery and multiple stitches.

It was so hard to imagine any of our dogs being aggressive. They are raised like our children, in our home, and spoiled probably way more than my girls were. They were sweet, and loving, and fun. But that day I saw something horrifying.

Since that time, there have been no repeat instances although we have learned to be constantly on edge. We were warned that once dogs exhibit red-zone behavior their potential for re-offense is significantly higher. We protected Baxter, keeping him separate as much as possible.

So last night I get home after being gone a week. Bangara and I have always had a very special bond, from that very first night I found him in Bangalore. One of the things I look forward to most coming home is Bangara's excited little dance and prancing about. Last night was no exception. As Bangara pranced around me excited, Sam decided to join in. Next thing we knew they were in battle. We were able to separate them, settle them down, and once we were certain they were calm, we tried again. The same result, but this time when trying to separate them Devin got bit on his hand and his stomach.

I guess we always knew that it was a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode. We knew the chances were high for recurrence of the aggression, but we just did not want to believe it. We slept with heavy hearts and wanted to believe that it was all a misunderstanding or an isolated incident when we awoke. But it wasn't.

No more than five minutes after getting them up from their crates this morning, they attacked each other again. After a lot of tears, discussion, more tears, and a discussion of our options, we decided the only thing we could do was to put them both down. We discussed trying to find another home for each of them, but chances were they would be aggressive again. We could not live with the thought of a child being injured or attacked. Or another pet. Or a person.

Brittany met us at the vets and Devin and I both stayed with them, one at a time, as they drew their last breaths. We hugged them and pet them and told them over and over how much we loved them. We told them each the story of how we came to rescue them and how much we loved being their mommy and daddy. We told them that we would see them again some day and that it wouldn't hurt. They would just fall asleep. The vet's office was amazing and let us spend time with each of them. They gave them a slight sedative to make sure they were relaxed and unafraid.

I try to look at it as though we gave each them years that neither one of them would have had otherwise. We gave them love and care and attention. We played with them when we were home and missed them when we weren't. And in return I received the most beautiful unconditional love.

But I know it is going to take a very long time for my heart to heal.... and maybe it never will. Each loss I've experienced in my life has taken a few more pieces. Pieces that don't ever seem to be replaced.