So my posts are a bit out of order, but I will do my best to catch up!
Today is our first full day in Reading, PA. I could live here in a heartbeat - it's absolutely beautiful. This is my 2nd trip to the area this year, but I'll be here much longer this time. I'm attending the quarterly affiliate network session for the next four days, one day off (on Sunday), and then six days of fast start training on all of the new processes and products I'll be representing. It's going to be busy and probably exhausting, but I can't think of a better place to be.
Our flights were perfect yesterday and we despite having to get up super early yesterday, I have no complaints. We arrived in Philly around 4:30 p.m. and started the 75 mile out to Reading/Wyomissing. The highways here, similar to Maine, don't necessarily have an exit every mile.... or every two miles, or every five miles, for that matter. D and I were lost in an in-depth conversation when we realized we drove by our exit. It wasn't a simple matter of turning around at the next exit, because by then we were in a completely different area. Despite being a bit directionally and map challenged, we found our way to Reading through beautiful farmland, rolling hills, and green trees and grass. To me, it was worth getting lost, I mean taking a detour, to see more of the countryside. Once we got to Wyomissing, we came upon a beautiful park, with grass, a brooke running through the middle, weeping willow trees, flowers and benches. We decided that after dinner, we would come back and take a walk.
The hotel is very quaint - a rambling, old one to two story structure that provides the necessities but certainly doesn't represent the upscale establishments I normally use when traveling on business. However, I like it so much more!! We have a big room, free Internet, a little refrigerator, and free breakfast buffet each morning (which was delicious!).
We went to Friendly's for dinner - my choice, of course! and then took a nice long walk in the park. On the way out, we met a lady who talked to us for quite awhile and ended up inviting us to her church on Sunday (and to Israel in December!!). God's work, I have no doubt!
The best part of the day, however, was the call I received on the bus to pick up the rental car - I finally heard from BRANDY! It was so amazing to hear her voice again, although she still sounds hoarse. She said she's not feeling too great, but they tell her it's her sinuses not her throat. They gave her some medicine. She has become the "faith officer" or something like that and said she really loves the work she's doing with the church. She is the section leader in the church band, helps organize the services, makes sure people know when to go to church, and is constantly cleaning and doing stuff there at the church to help out. Her Chaplain gave her a new bible and she told me she reads it a lot. It's so great to see how God is working in her life. At the end of the call she started crying and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't wait until I can see her in a few weeks.
I'll post later about the reunion!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Love story
And I have officially decided that Good Will Hunting is my favorite movie. It is the ultimate love story. Robin Williams' character talking about his wife makes me cry everytime.
City by the Bay
Although it got off to a bit of a rocky start, over all I would say it was a successful day. I woke up to Brit knocking on my door, asking me if I was awake and would be ready to go to the airport shortly. Now there's a switch for you - one of my girls waking me up when I've over slept in the morning! :-) I must have slept through my 4:30 am alarm and by the time she woke me up it was too late to shower. I finished packing in a rush, threw on my clothes and we were out the door. It wasn't until I was sitting on the plane that I realized I had forgotten my badge and a few other things.
The flight to San Francisco was great and I was actually able to sleep for a good portion of the flight (again, something new for me!). The cab driver informed me that I was very lucky to come into town today, the weather was the best it had been for awhile and it truly was gorgeous. Sunny, warm, with a nice breeze off the bay.
Although I always enjoy coming to SF, I had what I considered an "uncomfortable" schedule of meetings. Unlike my previous roles, this particular job is basically a task-manager role and lacks the passion and drive I normally have. And the meetings today were pretty much centered around those tasks... a marketing director that would be supporting a letter and email campaign I initiated, a VP of analysis that would provide the stats and analytics for a pilot, and lastly a presentation to my EVP's leadership team.
I enjoyed the 2 1/2 mile walk to the office from my hotel and was once again reminded why I love this city. Of all of the cities I have visited, SF was by far the best walking city and there was no end to the interesting people you see, the incredible architecture. I anticipated my walk to and from the office being the high point of the day. But as usual, life surprised me. My first two meetings were great and I thoroughly enjoyed them. I had some time prior to my presentation, so I stopped by to visit my old team and was greeted with warm hugs. As much as I pride myself on being independent and keeping my emotional distance from business colleagues, this reminded me just how special the people are at my company. And I missed being on and having a team.
After visiting for awhile, I made my way back to Kearny Street to present at the leadership meeting. I knew about half of the 20 SVPs and VPs in the room, including my boss. The presentation seemed to go very well and I received some great emails after - including one from my boss' boss. :-)
But here is where the day gets interesting. About a year ago I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and decided that I would not eat all of my meals in my room while traveling on business. The first few times I ate at a restaurant by myself it was very uncomfortable. I had to find things to look at or do to preoccupy myself - playing with my blackberry, reviewing my to-do list. NowI've learned to just sit, relax, and enjoy my meal and my surroundings when out. Of course, I talk big but the funny thing is I've only pushed my comfort zone just so far... for example, when in SF, I eat out, but it's always at the same restaurant - Cheesecake Factory at the top of Macy's, overlooking Union Square.
Well, on my way into Macy's, I caught sight of a homeless man on his knees, praying. If you've been to SF, you know that there are a lot of homeless on the sidewalks, with signs asking for money, begging, or wandering around aimlessly, most likely victims of mental disorders or drug addictions. As with the poverty in other countries, it almost becomes too much to handle. I feel helpless and powerless, and these are people in my backyard. So I'm guilty of doing what most everyone does - I ignore them. I struggle to "excuse" homelessness - in the past I've judged them - lazy, drug addicts, alcoholics. All things to me that are within someone's control. Sometimes I move away with an irrational fear,scared at times that they may come towards me. But this man on his knees tonight caught my attention. I wondered what he was praying, if he was really praying, and did he have faith in God despite his situation?
The reality of the condition of the people on the street distracted me throughout dinner and as I looked at my plate of food, that was enough to feed at least two people, I couldn't help but feel guilty. At the same time, I thanked God for all of the blessings He has given to me. It seemed small and inconsequential, but I decided to take the rest of my food to go and give it to the man praying out front. I wanted him to know God heard him. However, when I walked out, he was gone but it didn't take me long to find another man. He was older, perhaps in his 60s, with a sign asking for help. He had kind eyes and a sad pride about him. I walked straight up to him, looked him in the eye, and asked "are you hungry, sir?". "Yes, ma'am, I am" he said softly "very hungry". I gave him the bag, telling him it wasn't much but it was warm and fresh. "God bless you" he whispered.
As I walked back to the hotel, I was overcome with emotion. I'm not sure where it came from, but this small interaction moved me. It was such a small act of kindness, it took no time and no money. I gave him food that hundreds of time before I would have just discarded. It made no difference to me how he ended up on the street or what he had done in the past. All that mattered was I was able to make a difference in his life. And in turn, he made a difference in mine.
The flight to San Francisco was great and I was actually able to sleep for a good portion of the flight (again, something new for me!). The cab driver informed me that I was very lucky to come into town today, the weather was the best it had been for awhile and it truly was gorgeous. Sunny, warm, with a nice breeze off the bay.
Although I always enjoy coming to SF, I had what I considered an "uncomfortable" schedule of meetings. Unlike my previous roles, this particular job is basically a task-manager role and lacks the passion and drive I normally have. And the meetings today were pretty much centered around those tasks... a marketing director that would be supporting a letter and email campaign I initiated, a VP of analysis that would provide the stats and analytics for a pilot, and lastly a presentation to my EVP's leadership team.
I enjoyed the 2 1/2 mile walk to the office from my hotel and was once again reminded why I love this city. Of all of the cities I have visited, SF was by far the best walking city and there was no end to the interesting people you see, the incredible architecture. I anticipated my walk to and from the office being the high point of the day. But as usual, life surprised me. My first two meetings were great and I thoroughly enjoyed them. I had some time prior to my presentation, so I stopped by to visit my old team and was greeted with warm hugs. As much as I pride myself on being independent and keeping my emotional distance from business colleagues, this reminded me just how special the people are at my company. And I missed being on and having a team.
After visiting for awhile, I made my way back to Kearny Street to present at the leadership meeting. I knew about half of the 20 SVPs and VPs in the room, including my boss. The presentation seemed to go very well and I received some great emails after - including one from my boss' boss. :-)
But here is where the day gets interesting. About a year ago I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and decided that I would not eat all of my meals in my room while traveling on business. The first few times I ate at a restaurant by myself it was very uncomfortable. I had to find things to look at or do to preoccupy myself - playing with my blackberry, reviewing my to-do list. NowI've learned to just sit, relax, and enjoy my meal and my surroundings when out. Of course, I talk big but the funny thing is I've only pushed my comfort zone just so far... for example, when in SF, I eat out, but it's always at the same restaurant - Cheesecake Factory at the top of Macy's, overlooking Union Square.
Well, on my way into Macy's, I caught sight of a homeless man on his knees, praying. If you've been to SF, you know that there are a lot of homeless on the sidewalks, with signs asking for money, begging, or wandering around aimlessly, most likely victims of mental disorders or drug addictions. As with the poverty in other countries, it almost becomes too much to handle. I feel helpless and powerless, and these are people in my backyard. So I'm guilty of doing what most everyone does - I ignore them. I struggle to "excuse" homelessness - in the past I've judged them - lazy, drug addicts, alcoholics. All things to me that are within someone's control. Sometimes I move away with an irrational fear,scared at times that they may come towards me. But this man on his knees tonight caught my attention. I wondered what he was praying, if he was really praying, and did he have faith in God despite his situation?
The reality of the condition of the people on the street distracted me throughout dinner and as I looked at my plate of food, that was enough to feed at least two people, I couldn't help but feel guilty. At the same time, I thanked God for all of the blessings He has given to me. It seemed small and inconsequential, but I decided to take the rest of my food to go and give it to the man praying out front. I wanted him to know God heard him. However, when I walked out, he was gone but it didn't take me long to find another man. He was older, perhaps in his 60s, with a sign asking for help. He had kind eyes and a sad pride about him. I walked straight up to him, looked him in the eye, and asked "are you hungry, sir?". "Yes, ma'am, I am" he said softly "very hungry". I gave him the bag, telling him it wasn't much but it was warm and fresh. "God bless you" he whispered.
As I walked back to the hotel, I was overcome with emotion. I'm not sure where it came from, but this small interaction moved me. It was such a small act of kindness, it took no time and no money. I gave him food that hundreds of time before I would have just discarded. It made no difference to me how he ended up on the street or what he had done in the past. All that mattered was I was able to make a difference in his life. And in turn, he made a difference in mine.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The pageant
A few months ago Brooke was invited to compete in the National American Miss Teen pageant and decided she would pursue the opportunity. I probably looked at her like she was from outer space - after all, here was my 24/7 hockey player wanting to be in a pageant. Quite a deviation from what I was used to.
Brooke was able to get sponsors, sell some advertising space in the program, and we had a successful shopping trip to get her business suit and gown.
Now, one of my favorite movies is Miss Congeniality. I love it! And it's a pretty good reflection about how I feel about pageants... I mean Scholarship Programs. I have fought against stereotypes all of my life and had a hard time reconciling a "beauty" competition with intelligence and leadership capabilities. Maybe it's because my 5'2" frame wouldn't necessarily lend to an evening gown competition.
But now my daughter was competing and I had to support her by stepping away from my old perspectives and leaving behind my connotation of what a pageant was or was not. A couple of observations:
- Pageant moms, believe it or not, are actually 10x better than hockey moms. There's no yelling, screaming (in a bad way), getting mad at the refs/judges, glaring at the other team, etc. No, on the contrary they were all sweet and genuine and nice. We would talk about which daughter was ours and then we'd cheer each other's daughter on in the next competition. Not to say this doesn't exist in hockey, just not as frequently.
- Parents didn't carry spare allen wrenches, wheels, hockey tape, but rather hairspray, safety pins and bobby pins. And it smells so pretty!! (even though the girls weren't permitted to wear perfume)
- There is a generation of young women who have incredible poise, knowledge, strength, determination and drive. They are smart, genuine and sweet. It would be an honor to work with any of them within the corporate environment.
- When on stage in a beautiful gown, my daughter wasn't a goalie, she was a princess, beautiful beyond words.
- No matter how old you are, you still need the love and support of your family. Perhaps one of the biggest disappointments coming out of the weekend was the fact that many people who Brooke loved and counted on were not at the pageant with her. Although she didn't say it, I could read the sadness on her face.
I am very proud of her - she did a great job. She looked beautiful and tried something outside of her comfort zone.
And I, back to the topic of judging, was reminded once again that I have no right to judge anyone on such trivial grounds or to make assumptions about their character based on their outward appearances. I witnessed an opportunity for young ladies to learn and develop leadership qualities and skills that are lacking in most people in this country. Pride in themselves, strength in their convictions, and belief in the future. To say it was a beauty pageant would simply be referring to pure inner beauty and kindness of spirit.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Matthew 7:1-5 - part one
1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye
As I journey through life I am oftentimes surprised about the lessons I continue to learn. I stand up righteous and proud, convinced that I have learned so much, matured over the years, and then I realize just how little I know and how much I have left to learn. And to me, that's a beautiful thing. What an incredible life I can say I led, if up until the day I die I have continued to learn. Over the past week I have been reading and studying the Book of Matthew. (yes, due in part to the fact that the camo Bible sits in the bathroom and that seems to be the only time I take a few minutes away from the to-do list!). I used to think that the Bible, although an interesting work of literature, was difficult to read and enjoy. I was so wrong and I kick myself for the wasted time reading the latest and greatest management or leadership book, self-help guide, or other nonsense. I don't need those because everything I could possibly need to lead the life that I want is contained with the pages of the Bible.
During our marriage enrichment class at the church, the couple facilitating our class often referenced Matthew 7:4, advising us to take care of "our side of the street" and our spouse would take care of theirs. I'm a score keeper. Not sure why, but it's a huge weakness for me. "So let's see...today I've done this, this and this and you've only done that. I'm doing more and you're not bearing your share of the burden." It's a horrible pre-occupation and a complete waste of time. The best way for me to overcome my scorekeeping tendencies is to remember that class and what we learned. Reading through Matthew brought that back to me.
The past few days, "judgement" could be considered the main topic of my thoughts. Two big events triggered that - the first being my upcoming class reunion and the second being Brooke's participation in the National American Miss Teen pageant (you can see where I'm going with the judging on this one, right?)
My 20 year class reunion is this coming weekend. I don't even know how that could be possible and it's funny just how very different the tone of a 20-year versus a 5- or 10-year. When I first thought about going, I had one very clear goal: I'm going to go show them how well I've done, how successful I am, that I achieved more than any of them thought possible. Fueling this was my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and the personal pressure I put on myself to prove everyone wrong. After all, I had been on a very successful path in life and took an abrupt detour. I lost friends, my reputation was damaged, and I could no longer participate in the things I took such pride in once I got pregnant. I was kicked out of honor society, lost my first chair in wind ensemble, and I was told by a guidance counselor that I would forever be a drain on society. Easy to see why I would want to prove them all wrong, right?
But then I thought, screw them. What do they know? They are a bunch of small town hicks that probably never amounted to anything. Why would I waste my money, my time and my energy to fly across country. Basically, they are not worthy. I made the reunion trivial in my mind, I didn't want to talk about it, think about it or acknowledge it. Fueling this thought: an inability to forgive hurts and wrongs of the past.
A few weeks pass and it's suddenly the week before the reunion and I'm overcome with a feeling of nostalgia, sadness, regret. Friday, the 25th would be Stacie's 38th birthday. Hard to believe she's been gone for 17 years. No matter what was going on or where we were, we always talked on her birthday and mine. When possible, I have tried to go to Maine on her birthday, take the beautiful, slow, winding drive up the coast along Route 1, and make my way to the serene cemetery overlooking Bucksport harbor. Surrounded by pine and birch trees, it's artfully hidden from the road and utterly peaceful. I will sit for awhile and talk as though she is there next to me - catching her up on all of the events of my life. With her, there is no pride, or self-defense, or boasting. There is just truth, and honesty, and love. I have nothing to hide.
Having the reunion scheduled for the day after Stacie's birthday only served to increase my longing to be back home. As I would think about Stacie, other friends would come to mind. Although there are aspects of being from a small town that I didn't care for, we did have one tremendous positive - my friends and I went to school with each other for 13 years. I look at my girls and how many times they have had to move and it seems so amazing to me that they don't know what that was like. And here is where the regret comes in.... I was so angry at myself and for the mistakes that I had made, that I lost sight of those friendships. I was SO afraid of being judged, that I judged. Because I felt bad about myself, I assumed they thought I was a bad person and to retaliate, I would judge them.
Can you find me??? Hint: bottom row red dress with white bib front, boy's haircut!
A reminder was sent out about the reunion with a link to a website containing photos from all of years in school together. As I looked through the pictures, I was flooded with memories, good memories, happy memories. People I respected and friendships I treasured. I'm not sure when it happened, perhaps it was when reciting the Lord's prayer - forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors - but suddenly the anger and judgment was gone. Shortly thereafter I received some emails from old classmates, friends I had not talked to in 20 years. There was no condemnation in their messages, just genuine care and curiosity about where our lives had taken us. I learned that one of my classmates has spent the past two decades in Europe, setting up schools in impoverished towns. Another has become a doctor, establishing medical clinics in Africa. Another good friend is a minister, with an active and popular youth program. And two of my friends have become teachers and teach in the very district where we went to school. And on what grounds had I judged them? To think of how I have judged them all of these years simply because I assumed they were judging me. Time to work on the log in my own eye.
So now I want to once again attend my reunion. But now it's not about pride, or judgement, or selfishness. It's about re-connecting with dear friends who shared my entire childhood. It's about honoring Stacie's memory, it's to share stories of our beautiful families and the blessings God has granted to us. It's to let go of anything negative in the past and emerge with new friendships, new insights, and a new appreciation of each other.
Realistically, however, the reunion was a week away and I had a business trip booked on Thursday and Friday on the opposite coast. Not only could I not afford to go, there was no way I could make the schedule. I got upset, cried some tears, and realized that would do no good. So I prayed and turned it over to God.
I decided to price out a trip, just to see... I was due to land in Phoenix from SF on Friday afternoon, but to use my miles to travel to Boston, I wouldn't be able to fly back home until Monday evening. That would be too difficult given that I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday for 12 days. On a whim, I checked the schedule on flights from SF to Boston and was able to find a flight with my miles that would get me back on Sunday morning. But I would need to then pay for a one-way flight from SF to PHX. $181. Ugh.
And then I realized that I could just move my return flight from SF to Sunday and then the return flight would be covered under my business ticket. Nothing out of pocket! It worked! After texting D to make sure it was ok with him, I checked with Kim to see if she would not only be willing to pick me up at midnight on Friday but to also get me back to Boston at 6am on Sunday following the reunion. She agreed and was excited that I would be her "date"! And the 6am was fine with both of us because we didn't intend to drink at the reunion, so why not pull an all-nighter??
I'm not sure how it all fell into place, but it did and I am so excited!! It's a quick trip, but how incredible it's going to be to see everyone. And to do it with nothing out-of-pocket is nothing short of miraculous.
In the next post, I'll give the beauty pageant update!!
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye
As I journey through life I am oftentimes surprised about the lessons I continue to learn. I stand up righteous and proud, convinced that I have learned so much, matured over the years, and then I realize just how little I know and how much I have left to learn. And to me, that's a beautiful thing. What an incredible life I can say I led, if up until the day I die I have continued to learn. Over the past week I have been reading and studying the Book of Matthew. (yes, due in part to the fact that the camo Bible sits in the bathroom and that seems to be the only time I take a few minutes away from the to-do list!). I used to think that the Bible, although an interesting work of literature, was difficult to read and enjoy. I was so wrong and I kick myself for the wasted time reading the latest and greatest management or leadership book, self-help guide, or other nonsense. I don't need those because everything I could possibly need to lead the life that I want is contained with the pages of the Bible.
During our marriage enrichment class at the church, the couple facilitating our class often referenced Matthew 7:4, advising us to take care of "our side of the street" and our spouse would take care of theirs. I'm a score keeper. Not sure why, but it's a huge weakness for me. "So let's see...today I've done this, this and this and you've only done that. I'm doing more and you're not bearing your share of the burden." It's a horrible pre-occupation and a complete waste of time. The best way for me to overcome my scorekeeping tendencies is to remember that class and what we learned. Reading through Matthew brought that back to me.
The past few days, "judgement" could be considered the main topic of my thoughts. Two big events triggered that - the first being my upcoming class reunion and the second being Brooke's participation in the National American Miss Teen pageant (you can see where I'm going with the judging on this one, right?)
My 20 year class reunion is this coming weekend. I don't even know how that could be possible and it's funny just how very different the tone of a 20-year versus a 5- or 10-year. When I first thought about going, I had one very clear goal: I'm going to go show them how well I've done, how successful I am, that I achieved more than any of them thought possible. Fueling this was my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and the personal pressure I put on myself to prove everyone wrong. After all, I had been on a very successful path in life and took an abrupt detour. I lost friends, my reputation was damaged, and I could no longer participate in the things I took such pride in once I got pregnant. I was kicked out of honor society, lost my first chair in wind ensemble, and I was told by a guidance counselor that I would forever be a drain on society. Easy to see why I would want to prove them all wrong, right?
But then I thought, screw them. What do they know? They are a bunch of small town hicks that probably never amounted to anything. Why would I waste my money, my time and my energy to fly across country. Basically, they are not worthy. I made the reunion trivial in my mind, I didn't want to talk about it, think about it or acknowledge it. Fueling this thought: an inability to forgive hurts and wrongs of the past.
A few weeks pass and it's suddenly the week before the reunion and I'm overcome with a feeling of nostalgia, sadness, regret. Friday, the 25th would be Stacie's 38th birthday. Hard to believe she's been gone for 17 years. No matter what was going on or where we were, we always talked on her birthday and mine. When possible, I have tried to go to Maine on her birthday, take the beautiful, slow, winding drive up the coast along Route 1, and make my way to the serene cemetery overlooking Bucksport harbor. Surrounded by pine and birch trees, it's artfully hidden from the road and utterly peaceful. I will sit for awhile and talk as though she is there next to me - catching her up on all of the events of my life. With her, there is no pride, or self-defense, or boasting. There is just truth, and honesty, and love. I have nothing to hide.
Having the reunion scheduled for the day after Stacie's birthday only served to increase my longing to be back home. As I would think about Stacie, other friends would come to mind. Although there are aspects of being from a small town that I didn't care for, we did have one tremendous positive - my friends and I went to school with each other for 13 years. I look at my girls and how many times they have had to move and it seems so amazing to me that they don't know what that was like. And here is where the regret comes in.... I was so angry at myself and for the mistakes that I had made, that I lost sight of those friendships. I was SO afraid of being judged, that I judged. Because I felt bad about myself, I assumed they thought I was a bad person and to retaliate, I would judge them.
Can you find me??? Hint: bottom row red dress with white bib front, boy's haircut!A reminder was sent out about the reunion with a link to a website containing photos from all of years in school together. As I looked through the pictures, I was flooded with memories, good memories, happy memories. People I respected and friendships I treasured. I'm not sure when it happened, perhaps it was when reciting the Lord's prayer - forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors - but suddenly the anger and judgment was gone. Shortly thereafter I received some emails from old classmates, friends I had not talked to in 20 years. There was no condemnation in their messages, just genuine care and curiosity about where our lives had taken us. I learned that one of my classmates has spent the past two decades in Europe, setting up schools in impoverished towns. Another has become a doctor, establishing medical clinics in Africa. Another good friend is a minister, with an active and popular youth program. And two of my friends have become teachers and teach in the very district where we went to school. And on what grounds had I judged them? To think of how I have judged them all of these years simply because I assumed they were judging me. Time to work on the log in my own eye.
So now I want to once again attend my reunion. But now it's not about pride, or judgement, or selfishness. It's about re-connecting with dear friends who shared my entire childhood. It's about honoring Stacie's memory, it's to share stories of our beautiful families and the blessings God has granted to us. It's to let go of anything negative in the past and emerge with new friendships, new insights, and a new appreciation of each other.
Realistically, however, the reunion was a week away and I had a business trip booked on Thursday and Friday on the opposite coast. Not only could I not afford to go, there was no way I could make the schedule. I got upset, cried some tears, and realized that would do no good. So I prayed and turned it over to God.
I decided to price out a trip, just to see... I was due to land in Phoenix from SF on Friday afternoon, but to use my miles to travel to Boston, I wouldn't be able to fly back home until Monday evening. That would be too difficult given that I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday for 12 days. On a whim, I checked the schedule on flights from SF to Boston and was able to find a flight with my miles that would get me back on Sunday morning. But I would need to then pay for a one-way flight from SF to PHX. $181. Ugh.
And then I realized that I could just move my return flight from SF to Sunday and then the return flight would be covered under my business ticket. Nothing out of pocket! It worked! After texting D to make sure it was ok with him, I checked with Kim to see if she would not only be willing to pick me up at midnight on Friday but to also get me back to Boston at 6am on Sunday following the reunion. She agreed and was excited that I would be her "date"! And the 6am was fine with both of us because we didn't intend to drink at the reunion, so why not pull an all-nighter??
I'm not sure how it all fell into place, but it did and I am so excited!! It's a quick trip, but how incredible it's going to be to see everyone. And to do it with nothing out-of-pocket is nothing short of miraculous.
In the next post, I'll give the beauty pageant update!!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Update from Brandy!
Every day since she left, I would anxiously check the mail to see if we received a letter from Brandy. Today was my lucky day with two letters. Now thankfully, I opened the letter sent later first - as it seems things have definitely improved as time goes on. She ended up staying awake for more than 40 hours straight and I'm sure that didn't help the fact she came down with a nasty sinus infection. Her division had actually already been there for a week when she joined which means she'll be graduating a week earlier. She doesn't seem very fond of the rest of her division- telling me their immature and she hasn't yet made any friends. That seems so out of character for Brandy and I'm sure that will change soon.
In the first letter she expressed her disappointment over the fact that the band was only accepting drummers. But, according to the 2nd letter, she is now playing with the church band and really loves it. And to make it even better, she made section leader!! :-) She met her goal of being the lead recruit, so that was excellent news. Being a good big sister, she passed on tidbits of information for Brooke to help prepare her for her time at boot camp. It is apparent that the preparation and DEP meetings paid off for her - I'm so thankful to her recruiters.
In the first letter she expressed her disappointment over the fact that the band was only accepting drummers. But, according to the 2nd letter, she is now playing with the church band and really loves it. And to make it even better, she made section leader!! :-) She met her goal of being the lead recruit, so that was excellent news. Being a good big sister, she passed on tidbits of information for Brooke to help prepare her for her time at boot camp. It is apparent that the preparation and DEP meetings paid off for her - I'm so thankful to her recruiters.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
My daily epiphany
I have epiphanies frequently. Which I think is good because it demonstrates that even though I'm getting older, I'm still learning every day and perhaps correcting my path if I'm not going in the right direction.
Here's my epiphany for today: I have been a complete hippocrate!
One of my greatest passions in life is facilitating learning - I love to be in front of a class, I don't care what the subject is as long as it involves people being engaged and becoming excited about the topic. I will spend every last ounce of energy I have to make sure that my participants are enjoying their time and truly getting something out of the class experience.
Next week I will be facilitating a completely virtual learning session. Needless to say, my goal is to have all of the participants engaged. I'm also working on curriculum for another pretty intense virtual class and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about that curriculum and how to keep it interesting. Think about it. It's hard enough not to multi-task or drift off when you're in a meeting or on the phone. It's even worse when you're actually already on the computer to take the class. It's so easy to check your email or update your blog!
So here I am tonight, sitting on my ethics class, as a participant, and WHAM! An epiphany! I'm a hippocrate. Throughout most of the class I've multi-tasked, dreaded the class, checked out, etc. Not to mention, I haven't done a great job of keeping up with the assignments. And my poor instructor. It's his first time leading a virtual learning session and although it's evident he has sound business knowledge, facilitation skills are a bit lacking. I should have seen this as a huge opportunity. I'm a facilitator, a business person, and out-going as anything and yet I've stayed silent, not participated, and been pretty much absent from the class.
The bad news is that the class is 2/3 over, however, it's never too late. So tonight I participated and jumped in when I could. I thanked my instructor and really stayed attentive.
Probably most people wouldn't classify this as an epiphany, but I do! When you have an opportunity to engage with other people, help someone else out, you do it! No falling into "victim" mode or mentality. It's about always thinking AND acting as a compassionate leader!
Here's my epiphany for today: I have been a complete hippocrate!
One of my greatest passions in life is facilitating learning - I love to be in front of a class, I don't care what the subject is as long as it involves people being engaged and becoming excited about the topic. I will spend every last ounce of energy I have to make sure that my participants are enjoying their time and truly getting something out of the class experience.
Next week I will be facilitating a completely virtual learning session. Needless to say, my goal is to have all of the participants engaged. I'm also working on curriculum for another pretty intense virtual class and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about that curriculum and how to keep it interesting. Think about it. It's hard enough not to multi-task or drift off when you're in a meeting or on the phone. It's even worse when you're actually already on the computer to take the class. It's so easy to check your email or update your blog!
So here I am tonight, sitting on my ethics class, as a participant, and WHAM! An epiphany! I'm a hippocrate. Throughout most of the class I've multi-tasked, dreaded the class, checked out, etc. Not to mention, I haven't done a great job of keeping up with the assignments. And my poor instructor. It's his first time leading a virtual learning session and although it's evident he has sound business knowledge, facilitation skills are a bit lacking. I should have seen this as a huge opportunity. I'm a facilitator, a business person, and out-going as anything and yet I've stayed silent, not participated, and been pretty much absent from the class.
The bad news is that the class is 2/3 over, however, it's never too late. So tonight I participated and jumped in when I could. I thanked my instructor and really stayed attentive.
Probably most people wouldn't classify this as an epiphany, but I do! When you have an opportunity to engage with other people, help someone else out, you do it! No falling into "victim" mode or mentality. It's about always thinking AND acting as a compassionate leader!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
A camouflage Bible
On our way into MEPS on Monday, to get Brandy processed, we were each handed a small Bible, covered in the latest camouflage. It was a perfect size, designed to fit in the pocket of fatigues, or in our case perfect for my purse and for the back of the toilet. As silly as it sounds, that little Bible, containing the New Testament, is the best way to spend a few quiet minutes when we're in the bathroom. D has found it ideal and I believe, has even traded his pocket yahtzee game and opted to read a chapter or so.
Every time I see the little cammo Bible, I feel comfort knowing that Brandy is carrying the same one. I'm excited to think about the comfort it will bring her over the coming weeks and more importantly, thoughout her life. This week has been difficult and at those moments when I'm filled with pain and despair and worry, I realize that it is because I am not trusting in Him. Not hearing His word.
So I pray, I pray for her and I pray for me. I pray for all of the other members of our military who so selflessly are giving their life for our country and I pray for their families who, I'm sure, feel the same pride, yet who miss them while they're serving.
Every time I see the little cammo Bible, I feel comfort knowing that Brandy is carrying the same one. I'm excited to think about the comfort it will bring her over the coming weeks and more importantly, thoughout her life. This week has been difficult and at those moments when I'm filled with pain and despair and worry, I realize that it is because I am not trusting in Him. Not hearing His word.
So I pray, I pray for her and I pray for me. I pray for all of the other members of our military who so selflessly are giving their life for our country and I pray for their families who, I'm sure, feel the same pride, yet who miss them while they're serving.
My Crazy Life
It's been two days since Brandy left, and it's still tough. I think the hardest part is that I haven't heard from her so I have no idea how she's doing. Knowing Brandy like I do, I picture her kicking butt, doing a great job, and winning everyone over. But as her mom, I can't help but worry. Is she sick?? Her tonsils were bad when she went up there. How about her sunburn? Is she exhausted? Is she homesick? She told me she got one phone call, but so far we haven't heard from her. And I anticipate it's going to be awhile before she can get a letter in the mail.
Meanwhile, life moves on. I have so much going on right now (not that that's any deviation from the norm) but it's quite overwhelming, though I think in a positive way. There's nothing like trying to run two businesses, a full time job, full time school, and get things taken care of for our new house, get ready for Brooke's upcoming pageant, tend the dogs and Bangara's infection, keep the house clean, brush up on MS Project, oh yeah... and lose ten pounds and get back into shape! There are just not enough hours in the day.
I do have this small window of time in the morning that I love. I'm the only one awake, the dogs are still on their good behavior, and I'm able to make my plan of attack for the day in the silence of the morning. I mark all of my meetings on my calendar, list out all of my outstanding tasks (broken out of course by category), and get focused on trying to accomplish them all. I probably average getting done about 20% on my list - I want to increase that to 75 - 80% by next week! The problem is, I tend to add things to the list as the day progresses, so it just grows and grows uncontrollably.
My goal starting next week is to take the dogs for a walk in the morning - two at a time. Bangara and Baxter are only good for about 1/2 mile, so I'll bring them together and then come back and get Sampson and Sierra who should be able to do about a mile! Gets me my exercise and gets them the time and exercise they need. Wish me luck!
Meanwhile, life moves on. I have so much going on right now (not that that's any deviation from the norm) but it's quite overwhelming, though I think in a positive way. There's nothing like trying to run two businesses, a full time job, full time school, and get things taken care of for our new house, get ready for Brooke's upcoming pageant, tend the dogs and Bangara's infection, keep the house clean, brush up on MS Project, oh yeah... and lose ten pounds and get back into shape! There are just not enough hours in the day.
I do have this small window of time in the morning that I love. I'm the only one awake, the dogs are still on their good behavior, and I'm able to make my plan of attack for the day in the silence of the morning. I mark all of my meetings on my calendar, list out all of my outstanding tasks (broken out of course by category), and get focused on trying to accomplish them all. I probably average getting done about 20% on my list - I want to increase that to 75 - 80% by next week! The problem is, I tend to add things to the list as the day progresses, so it just grows and grows uncontrollably.
My goal starting next week is to take the dogs for a walk in the morning - two at a time. Bangara and Baxter are only good for about 1/2 mile, so I'll bring them together and then come back and get Sampson and Sierra who should be able to do about a mile! Gets me my exercise and gets them the time and exercise they need. Wish me luck!
Monday, July 7, 2008
The hardest thing I've ever done...
I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. And then reality slapped me across the face - hard! I didn't want to say good-bye, I didn't want to let her go. My heart hurt and the tears couldn't be stopped.
Fromm talks of parental love in his book "Sane Society", referring to it as the most difficult love that exists. As a parent, you have to have this deep, unconditional, unwavering love for your child, yet the very minute they are born or brought into your life, you have to begin preparing them to leave you. Everything we do from the moment that child is placed in your arms for the first time is done to ready them for this very moment, though we may not realize it at the time.
Driving away from dropping her off, sheer panic set in. Did I do it right? Did I give her everything I could have? Is she ready for what lies before her? Was I a good Mom?
It's funny, I've heard people talk about how your life flashes before your eyes during scary or life-threatening moments, but today it was her life that flashed before my eyes. I could picture her entire life as if it was in a little precious package. So quickly it has gone. I thought of the first ultrasound that not only revealed she was a little girl, but a little girl with severe leg deformities. I never once considered not continuing the pregnancy, but rather she was the child God gave me and I knew I would love her and treasure her no matter what was in store. I remember her first moments on this earth, bald and bruised, with her crooked little legs, but yet a determination and strength that carries on through today.
I remember a baby with a will so strong, that she learned to walk despite huge casts on her legs and a spirit so unwavering that the doctors couldn't hold her down to change those casts. I remember a toddler that would climb on tables, break her collar bone and have temper tantrums so bad that I would just sit there and cry with frustration.
I remember a young girl that was not afraid of anything and would never back down from a challenge. Boys-only baseball team? She was the starting pitcher. I can still picture the day that the ump told her that girls had no business playing on a boys team and her smile at him as she struck out the next five batters. And then there was hockey. Her crooked feet had a way of constantly damaging her skates and her mouth and quick temper had a way of landing her in the penalty box.
I remember a young lady who emerged as a leader in her high school, helping to found an award-winning marching band, winning the John Philip Souza award. A young lady earning recognition for her beautiful smile and winning the vote as the most likely band member to become president. A young lady who loves with all of her heart, tries with all of her might, and believes in people, the future, our country, and our God.
Having had one child "grow up" and leave already, I suddenly have a new understanding for the difference between having one leave the nest and fall stumbling and struggling on the ground below versus having one leave the nest and fly off. Not to say she won't stumble and struggle, because she will. The difference lies within the swiftness of the goodbye, the sudden change of having your child with you daily to having her in another state, with minimal contact.
Tonight...I feel her fear, her excitement, her eagerness.
Tonight...I miss her with all of my heart and my being.
Tonight...I know God is with her, watching over her, protecting her.
Tonight...I am SO proud of my daughter.
Tonight...I am eternally grateful that God blessed me with being her mother.
Fromm talks of parental love in his book "Sane Society", referring to it as the most difficult love that exists. As a parent, you have to have this deep, unconditional, unwavering love for your child, yet the very minute they are born or brought into your life, you have to begin preparing them to leave you. Everything we do from the moment that child is placed in your arms for the first time is done to ready them for this very moment, though we may not realize it at the time.
Driving away from dropping her off, sheer panic set in. Did I do it right? Did I give her everything I could have? Is she ready for what lies before her? Was I a good Mom?
It's funny, I've heard people talk about how your life flashes before your eyes during scary or life-threatening moments, but today it was her life that flashed before my eyes. I could picture her entire life as if it was in a little precious package. So quickly it has gone. I thought of the first ultrasound that not only revealed she was a little girl, but a little girl with severe leg deformities. I never once considered not continuing the pregnancy, but rather she was the child God gave me and I knew I would love her and treasure her no matter what was in store. I remember her first moments on this earth, bald and bruised, with her crooked little legs, but yet a determination and strength that carries on through today.
I remember a baby with a will so strong, that she learned to walk despite huge casts on her legs and a spirit so unwavering that the doctors couldn't hold her down to change those casts. I remember a toddler that would climb on tables, break her collar bone and have temper tantrums so bad that I would just sit there and cry with frustration.
I remember a young girl that was not afraid of anything and would never back down from a challenge. Boys-only baseball team? She was the starting pitcher. I can still picture the day that the ump told her that girls had no business playing on a boys team and her smile at him as she struck out the next five batters. And then there was hockey. Her crooked feet had a way of constantly damaging her skates and her mouth and quick temper had a way of landing her in the penalty box.
I remember a young lady who emerged as a leader in her high school, helping to found an award-winning marching band, winning the John Philip Souza award. A young lady earning recognition for her beautiful smile and winning the vote as the most likely band member to become president. A young lady who loves with all of her heart, tries with all of her might, and believes in people, the future, our country, and our God.
Having had one child "grow up" and leave already, I suddenly have a new understanding for the difference between having one leave the nest and fall stumbling and struggling on the ground below versus having one leave the nest and fly off. Not to say she won't stumble and struggle, because she will. The difference lies within the swiftness of the goodbye, the sudden change of having your child with you daily to having her in another state, with minimal contact.
Tonight...I feel her fear, her excitement, her eagerness.
Tonight...I miss her with all of my heart and my being.
Tonight...I know God is with her, watching over her, protecting her.
Tonight...I am SO proud of my daughter.
Tonight...I am eternally grateful that God blessed me with being her mother.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
The Next Chapter
Strange to think that in two days, my life is going to change. I will officially be a military Mom, with a daughter serving our great country. Having spent time in other countries that don't enjoy the same liberties we have in the US, I have a profound appreciation for what we have. I recognize that it is men and women like my daughter who protect and defend our freedoms here in the US and around the world and as such, I couldn't be more proud of her decision.
During class the other night, my instructor closed class by wishing us a happy 4th and reminding us to research the fate of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence. I consider myself a fairly educated person and definitely patriotic, yet I was surprised by how little I knew about those men and the sacrifice they made. They sacrficed and lost most everything that was precious to them to establish our country and allow us to live as we do today. Though they lost their fortunes, some lost their loved ones, they never recanted. Not one of them. Why would they be willing to lose everything? I believe it was their profound faith in God. Otherwise, how could it be possible that they stayed resolute? All 56 men were devout in their faith in God and founded this country based on that faith.
Take for example Abraham Clarke, one of the signers:
He gave two sons to the officer corps in the Revolutionary Army. They were captured and sent to the infamous British prison hulk afloat in New York harbor known as the hell ship "Jersey," where 11,000 American captives were to die. The younger Clarks were treated with a special brutality because of their father. One was put in solitary and given no food. With the end almost in sight, with the war almost won, no one could have blamed Abraham Clark for acceding to the British request when they offered him his sons' lives if he would recant and come out for the King and parliament. The utter despair in this man's heart, the anguish in his very soul, must reach out to each one of us down through 200 years with his answer: "No."
From http://usff.com/usff/sacredhonor.htmlHe was asked to stand true to his beliefs, yet was faced with the ultimate torment a parent could be faced with.
So I ask myself, do I stand true to my beliefs? Do you?
There is such a sadness in my heart that Brandy will be leaving, that she will not longer "need" her Mom the way she used to - she is grown, and strong, and determined. But she will always be my little girl, my miracle baby who fought tremendous battles to even come into this world. But I believe in my God and my country, and to have her serve in our military makes me prouder than words can express.
I love you Brandy and I'm so proud of you!
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