Desperate Times.....

.... most definitely call for desperate measures.

I only have 45 days before we leave for Hawaii and somehow, during those 45 days, most of which will be spent on the road, I need to make 15 pounds disappear. 15 pounds that are clinging to my body for dear life.

This is not a vanity issue, however, but rather a practical issue. As of today, despite eating less than 1200 calories every day, doing cardio (hiking, biking, walking, running), weight training, AND 5 sessions of Bikram yoga this week, my weight is slowly climbing UP. How is that even possible?? As such, I cannot wear any of my shorts. None. Oh, wait a minute, I have a pair of extra large sofie shorts that I can wear. That ought to look good for a night out on the town in Honolulu.

When the scale started moving in the wrong direction yesterday, I will admit, a wave of utter panic swept over me. Followed by anger. Frustration. Irritation. Jealousy. Did I mention anger??

So tomorrow we move to plan B. The only thing for sure that has worked in the past is keeping my carbs under 20 per day. The reason I was hesitant to use this secret weapon as I was truly hoping for a long term and lasting solution to the ongoing battle with my weight. And I know the low carb thing only can last just so long and the first time I look at a piece of bread, the scale jumps up a few pounds.

But at this point, I'll be hanging in Hawaii in a moo-moo... so no carbs for me. And I'm going to put some trust in my Mio and follow the calorie recommendations it gives me.

The Netherlands

Yep. My job sucks - NOT. Gotta go to The Netherlands to deliver a class (WOOHOO!).

So today we finally started doing some planning around our trip. We will fly out on Saturday morning, September 25th, flying Phoenix to DC to Amsterdam. I was (foolishly) thinking that we would get automatic upgrades to 1st class, like I do on the domestic flights, but not so. But I think we will be fine. We have our two seats together and hopefully we'll sleep on the flight like we did on the way to Paris.

We arrive in Amsterdam on Sunday morning and will take a train from Schiphol airport to Eindhoven. Looks like about a 2-hour trip and the train station is right there at the airport. Nice and easy!

We will be staying at the Eden Crown Hotel Eindhoven which is just down the street from the train station. Monday through Thursday I will deliver class and hopefully enjoy a bit of Eindhoven in the evening.

On Friday we will take the train up to Rotterdam and spend two nights at the Hilton Rotterdam Hotel. There is a walking tour highlighted in our tour book, so something we will most likely do.

From Rotterdam, we will travel by train up to Den Haag. We were able to snag reservations (for a great price) at a little family-owned boutique hotel called The Boulevard, situated right on the ocean. We'll stay in Den Haag for two nights and then make the 30-minute journey, by train, to Amsterdam.

We will wrap up our trip with a 3-night stay in Amsterdam at a little hotel called Hotel Freeland. I tend to be a creature of habit and fail to venture out of my comfort zone when traveling. But I'm trying to change that and challenge myself a bit when we travel and explore smaller hotels, different modes of travel, etc. So I'm really pleased with our hotel choices on this trip!!

Remembering Stacie

Today she should have turned 40. It's hard to imagine or believe.

But to me, she'll forever be 21.

Stacie was taken away from us far too young.... gone in the blink of an eye by the careless act of a drunk driver. The sadness never goes away. Life moves on, people come and go, but no one will ever take her place to me.

I try to picture what she would have been like, what our relationship would have been now. I see her with soft wrinkles on her face, around her eyes. A touch of gray perhaps in her hair. I can still hear her laugh. I like to think of her raising her two daughters she spoke about when we were little girls. I'm sure we would be friends on Facebook. And when I traveled on business, I'd be sure to stop in and visit her, wherever she ended up.

Her memory makes me smile. Picturing her life and all that it could have been gives me a sad satisfaction, a bit of peace.

Normally Kim and I take a pilgrimage up the east coast of Maine, driving down Rt 1, spotting the occasional moose and the all too frequent (and too slow) tourists making their way through the picturesque towns that dot the coast. We would come upon the cemetery, finding her head stone, and sit and talk with her awhile. We'd clean off her grave and sit and marvel at the silence and peace of the location. Tears don't come as frequently, but the pain is not gone. This year, I could not make the trip, but soon I will take that drive once again.

I use her birthday as a reminder. I used to be so angry that I lived and she died. It didn't seem right. It didn't seem fair. She had so much to live for. But now I try to use that anger to motivate me to be a better person. To appreciate every minute I've been given, because it truly is a gift. And just like that, it can be taken away. With no warning.

I love you and miss you Stacie... rest in peace.

This Bikram thing...

The mind is a powerful thing. And it's amazing what it can do under stressful situations - it's either your best friend or your worse enemy. As Bikram said, it's the difference between being Hitler or being Mother Theresa - all about how you use your mind.

My mind has been on an interesting journey through my Bikram classes. At first, it made me painfully aware of my pear shape and large thighs. It told me I've never been flexible so why in the world would I even try to do these postures? For a number of classes it obsessed over food. What was I going to eat when I got out of class, when was I going to eat, where should I go, how much should I have... food, food, food.... Two classes ago the food thoughts vanished. So did the big thighs. Now my mind is telling me that I'm strong. That I can do it.

And now the best thing it does is actually be quiet.

I have never been able to quiet my mind... to be able to lay still and think of absolutely nothing but breathing is such a beautiful release.

Class tonight was by far one of my best classes. Even though I wasn't totally enthusiastic about going, I'm so glad I did. Limited only by my very sore quad (thanks kickball!), I felt like a superstar.

D and I realized another huge benefit from Bikram - our recovery time from weight lifting is next to nothing. Woohoo - no soreness!

A perfect Sunday...

Devin being assigned PowerPoint at church is always such a blessing... and a motivator. If not, we would definitely have slept in today, but instead we had the benefit of attending church, chatting with Pastor Ray, singing some great songs (they played all of my favorites today!) and listening to an awesome sermon (as always). Yep. That was where we belonged.

Bikram was good today, and I'm so glad. I have to admit that I was a bit nervous heading back into the Bikram's torture chamber after our very rough class on Friday. But it was good - able to do all the postures and I'm starting to most definitely notice a change in my reflection. Great backbend today and my half moon is most certainly improving.

Weight training went well, and even though it's only our fourth session, it's definitely working - can't wait to see the condition we will be in for our trip to Hawaii in September! (I can't wait...).

D's hockey game tonight topped off with a special treat - ice cream cone from McD's. Yummy!

The challenge of the challenge

Apparently I'm a little challenge challenged. I had hoped for 23 Bikram classes in 23 days, but that lasted for only four days. We had every intention of going today, well, I did anyway, but the thing with Bikram is that it's not just about surviving the class, it's about the preparation before the class. You can't eat within 3 hours of the class, but you must eat before going. Thus, you have to hit that 3-4 hour window. D and I were so wrapped up with our puzzle (yes! I finally did one of my puzzles) and our movie (Up in the Air), that we forgot to eat. So we ended up spending some time lazing around in the pool. :-( Back to class tomorrow afternoon.

Sue and Tom came over for dinner and of course, it was wonderful! So blessed to have the best in-laws!!

Tomorrow: church, weight training, Bikram, and Devin's hockey game. Should be a fun day!

Fabulous Friday

Woohoo! Happy to say that I wrapped up another class at school today. The final was tougher than I had anticipated, which is pretty bad, since I anticipated it being tough. Normally I'm great at BS'ing my way through any test. Toss a little logic at the questions and I normally do very well despite minimal studying. Thinking today may have knocked me down a few pegs. Good lesson for me - definitely need to be more engaged in my studies. Hopefully it's enough that I pass the course. Two week siesta before the next class!

I spent the morning studying... between answering emails, checking Facebook, checking out the news headlines. I swear I truly have the attention span of a gnat. I remind myself of Dory. "Hi... I'm Dory...." Just imagine how much more productive I would be if I could just focus on something for more than a minute or two.

Food modification plan is going very well, I'm happy to report. We've come up with a lot of tasty new things in our diet and we're tracking all of our calories, carbs, protein, and fat. I'm definitely not feeling hungry at all or like I'm "dieting". Which is the goal, I suppose. Permanently modify our eating for long-term health and weight loss.

Of course, being a typical American, I crave immediate gratification and the weight loss is never fast enough. But four days of work and 3 pounds gone. Hopefully never to return. I've done Bikram four days in a row and I've been a little bummed out that I can't participate in the 60-day challenge. Birkam recommends that all students, especially beginner students, try to take 60 classes in 60 days. He promises a new mind and body. And I have to agree, just with the dabbling I've done. The mere fact of the strength, willpower, and determination that would be required to get through 60 classes in 60 days is awe-inspiring. How could you not be changed mentally after that. Talk about believing that you can do ANYTHING!

BUT, I think I have at least a partial solution. I probably can't do the full 60-day challenge until December/January but I'm going to try and go every day until we leave for the backpacking trip. This includes my five days up in Seattle with Brooke. Lucky she's totally cool with trying it out and going every day with me. =) (Poor sucker doesn't know what she's in for...)

Have to admit, I had a hard time getting motivated today. I still have yet to just sit still and build a puzzle. But then again, not sure if our card table is any condition to do a puzzle on. We had done three days of weight training, 4 days of Bikram, and 2 kickball games in three days, so I think I was just a bit burnt out. That, and I know I have 2 Netflix movies just begging me to watch them (and did I mention that I have two new puzzles to build??).

But we did it! Got up the determination to go to Bikram tonight. Neither one of us can say it was our best class. As a matter of fact, I can safely say it was probably my worse class. Not sure why - too many workouts, not enough water, psychological failure. Started off pretty good, did my breathing, moved on to half moon - still good, awkward pose - still good, then with standing head to knee I started to feel pretty woozy. And it just got worse. I stumbled through some of the remaining standing series and sought the sweet relief that always comes when we switch to the floor series. But it never really came... As a matter of fact, part way in, I actually started getting the chills. Now how does that happen? 105 degree room, sweating my ass off, and I have chills. Then my brain starts sabotaging me and I start thinking about what bad press it will be for the nice people at the studio if I die in the room. I swear I will never put myself through this again.

But we do survive, despite both having the chills. Some coconut water, talk with our new friends, and we were feeling better before we even left the parking lot. By the time I get home I'm already thinking about how I could possibly do the 60 day challenge... how can I squeeze it in? Insanity.

Signing off for the night.