Motherhood

I've done many things in my life... some of them well, many of them not so well. But my true joy came from being a mom.

I was reminded tonight of that precious moment in time when your little ones are so tiny, so impressionable, and so loving - in a complete and absolute manner. And no matter how your day was or what was going on, there was one thing you always knew - how much your children loved you and needed you. They were the constant, the unwavering, the only thing you could rely on. They made you who you were and when you thought you couldn't go another step, you knew you would run a marathon to protect them.

It's such a strange place you find yourself when your children are gone. There's a strange little fleeting piece of pleasure - no more cleaning up after them, no more cleaning up puke in the middle of the night, so on and so forth. But in reality, there's such an emptiness. To go from being completely needed to not needed at all is rather like plunging off a cliff. Your identity is all but gone.

And so I wonder. Who am I now? What is my role? Where am I needed?

I miss the days of baths and little shoes and pony tails and cheerios and lotion. I miss the feel of little arms around my neck and coloring books and Disney movies. And yes, I even miss the midnight fevers, the bickering, and the crying. Because that's when I knew they needed me.

I'm trying to figure out this new space I am in, this new role that I'm filling. But it's not easy and I'm struggling. Perhaps with time will come enlightenment. I only pray that it comes soon.

And until it does, I will just remember how it used to be. Making grilled cheese sandwiches on a Saturday, singing songs in the car, putting french braids in their hair. And wishing I had treasured those moments.... if only I had known they would go so fast.