Motherhood

I've done many things in my life... some of them well, many of them not so well. But my true joy came from being a mom.

I was reminded tonight of that precious moment in time when your little ones are so tiny, so impressionable, and so loving - in a complete and absolute manner. And no matter how your day was or what was going on, there was one thing you always knew - how much your children loved you and needed you. They were the constant, the unwavering, the only thing you could rely on. They made you who you were and when you thought you couldn't go another step, you knew you would run a marathon to protect them.

It's such a strange place you find yourself when your children are gone. There's a strange little fleeting piece of pleasure - no more cleaning up after them, no more cleaning up puke in the middle of the night, so on and so forth. But in reality, there's such an emptiness. To go from being completely needed to not needed at all is rather like plunging off a cliff. Your identity is all but gone.

And so I wonder. Who am I now? What is my role? Where am I needed?

I miss the days of baths and little shoes and pony tails and cheerios and lotion. I miss the feel of little arms around my neck and coloring books and Disney movies. And yes, I even miss the midnight fevers, the bickering, and the crying. Because that's when I knew they needed me.

I'm trying to figure out this new space I am in, this new role that I'm filling. But it's not easy and I'm struggling. Perhaps with time will come enlightenment. I only pray that it comes soon.

And until it does, I will just remember how it used to be. Making grilled cheese sandwiches on a Saturday, singing songs in the car, putting french braids in their hair. And wishing I had treasured those moments.... if only I had known they would go so fast.

Back from Dallas

Dallas was awesome - only eight students in my class, but they were all great. Very focused on the material. It was so refreshing to have a class of adults who were able to prioritize the class over emails, cell phones, blackberries, etc. I had two participants taking their tests right after the class and I'm very happy to report that they both passed!

In an effort to save money, I decided not to get a rental car and instead relied on the hotel shuttle - and it worked out great! No complaints at all!

The next eight weeks are going to be insane: This week is all about finishing about the materials, next week we get the babies for the week (YAY!!), and then it starts: I fly to RI on Tuesday, teach Thursday through Saturday, fly from RI to Houston on Sunday, teach Monday through Thursday, return to Phoenix on Friday for a couple of days and fly out to San Francisco on Sunday. The following week I have class in Phoenix, followed by Orange County.

I'm so thrilled that we have so much work coming in.... but a little sad. I will be in SF on Brooke's 18th birthday and then I was really hoping my friend Wendy could come out and visit me for a girls' trip, but SF got in the way of that as well. :-(

Oh, we had a little surprise in the mail today. Our new friends from Paris (that we will be exchanging with) sent us a tour book of Paris... and even marked the location of their apartment on the map! 30 WEEKS!! I can't wait!!!