The straw...

Do you ever just have one of those days that you think you can't possibly take anything else?

Yeah.... I'm having one of those weeks. Now the good news is that I know what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. AND I have faith and trust and I know all things work out as they are supposed to.

Christmas is always a tough time of year for me... no matter how hard I try not to, I relate it to the loss of my best friend, killed by a drunk driver a few days before Christmas. Any magic that existed around the holiday died with her. Add to that the overwhelming sense of loss at the death of our two boys - Sampson and Bangara, an empty-nest, and getting taken for over $12k. Yep. I'm not feeling too merry.

Here's the business deal. I feel the need to put it in writing, because it will make me feel better! :)

We've been working with Intense Schools for the past few months. I will facilitate some of their PMP courses for them and they also have switched over to using our curriculum. For us, this is a huge partnership. To us, it's all about how you treat your clients. For all intents and purposes, it appeared to us as though Intense School really did value their clients and was looking out for their best interest.

Over the past five weeks, I delivered two classes for them - one in Atlanta and one in DC. I was very hesitant to do the one in DC, mainly because of money. I had been asked to do a class that week for IS in San Diego - this would work out well because I could drive and it would save us money. When they switched my class to DC, not only would my travel expenses be a lot greater, they didn't want to pay us for the books. Even after having to pay $800 for a plane ticket, I agreed to do the class due to the future partnership with IS. We felt it was worth the sacrifice.

Long story short, IS is sitting on five invoices, totalling over $12k. On Thursday, I find out from another instructor that Vigilar, the parent company, has closed the doors. Meanwhile, just the day before, I had referred over potential students to IS and received an email thanking me from the director of training. Yet, not surprisingly, as soon as I started asking about the invoices, I get no response. I've tried calling all of the numbers, emailing everyone and we get nothing.

This $12k may mean the difference in us being able to keep our home or not. This $12k is money we worked very hard for and earned every penny. It would be one thing if they just approached us, explained what was going on, and were at least honest. But the truth appears to be that they knew they weren't going to be able to pay us. I since found out that they are still trying to collect money from students, yet the chances they will be able to run classes is pretty slim since they've screwed over all of their instructors.

Ok. I feel slightly better. Makes me really proud of the way we do business. We may struggle to survive, but at least I can sleep at night knowing that we're doing the right thing.

But.... the good news is that this week I'll have all of my girls home and life will go on. Things will get better.

My beliefs

Ok... so this might cause some upset... BUT... here are my beliefs. In black and white.

1. There is such thing as karma. Do the right thing. ALWAYS. It will come back to you.
2. Christ was here. He died for us. God gave His son for our sins. Of this, I have no doubts.
3. Cheating is the most disgusting act. The only thing worse then men who give in to their lust is the stupid women that do it with a married man. They are lower than the plankton that the pond scum feeds upon.
4. No matter how much we try to give our "lessons learned" to our children, they need to learn it for themselves. All the cruel lessons of life.... There is no "get-out-of-jail-card-free".
5. There is nothing like a best friend. She (or he) is irreplaceable.
6. You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family (0k... I stole that one). And bottom line, there is something about your family that, no matter what, you gotta love. They made you what you are... for better or for worse.
7. Attitude is everything. I have seen a bitter person defeated under the same circumstances that I've seen a strong person suceed. The power is ours.
8. Nobody "owes" us anything. We are here to work hard, earn our keep, and be deserving of what we receive.
9. I like Sarah Palin. I really do. I think she's real. I think she's cool. Hats off to a hockey-mom. It's ok... really.
10. Obama = Hitler. But worse. (Can you say "satan"?) Enough said.
11. As soon as you stop wanting to learn and grow and challenge yourself, you've died.
12. Count your blessings every day. Live each day like it's your last... it might very well be.
13. I believe in the right to bear arms. If my government isn't going to protect me, I'll take care of it.
14. People who steal SUCK.
15. Bitterness and unforgiveness is like cancer. It eats away at your heart and soul.
16. There is nothing more amazing than a dog curled up at the end of your bed.
17. If you don't believe in God, just turn to nature. Marvel at the sunrise, the trout in the stream, the trees reaching to heaven, the smell of pine.
18. Beauty is truly on skin-deep. Look inside to know the soul.
19. Travel. Be open to other cultures, beliefs. If you travel, truly experience the culture. It will be life-changing.
20. God blessed me... truly. I have three amazing daughters, a best friend that I love more than anyone, and a husband that truly loves me. It is my duty, and my honor, to earn those blessings every day from here on out.
21. And... yep... I will beat them all at the sprint triathlon in March. BRING IT ON!

Hard day

I don't even know where to begin. My heart feels like it is broken into a million pieces. There are only a few times in my life when I have felt pain like this and I could live the rest of my life never feeling it again.

To back-up a little....
We have four dogs - our little malte-poo Baxter who is about to be 10, Bangara who is a street dog from India whom I rescued while I was working in Bangalore, Sampson who just turned 2, rescued from the euthanasia list, and Sierra, also almost 2 who was also on "the list". Last spring we had a horrible episode when through some type of escalation, Bangara turned on little Baxter. He started attacking him and that aroused the pack or fight instinct in Sampson. The attack was brutal and Baxter was lucky to come out alive. He required surgery and multiple stitches.

It was so hard to imagine any of our dogs being aggressive. They are raised like our children, in our home, and spoiled probably way more than my girls were. They were sweet, and loving, and fun. But that day I saw something horrifying.

Since that time, there have been no repeat instances although we have learned to be constantly on edge. We were warned that once dogs exhibit red-zone behavior their potential for re-offense is significantly higher. We protected Baxter, keeping him separate as much as possible.

So last night I get home after being gone a week. Bangara and I have always had a very special bond, from that very first night I found him in Bangalore. One of the things I look forward to most coming home is Bangara's excited little dance and prancing about. Last night was no exception. As Bangara pranced around me excited, Sam decided to join in. Next thing we knew they were in battle. We were able to separate them, settle them down, and once we were certain they were calm, we tried again. The same result, but this time when trying to separate them Devin got bit on his hand and his stomach.

I guess we always knew that it was a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode. We knew the chances were high for recurrence of the aggression, but we just did not want to believe it. We slept with heavy hearts and wanted to believe that it was all a misunderstanding or an isolated incident when we awoke. But it wasn't.

No more than five minutes after getting them up from their crates this morning, they attacked each other again. After a lot of tears, discussion, more tears, and a discussion of our options, we decided the only thing we could do was to put them both down. We discussed trying to find another home for each of them, but chances were they would be aggressive again. We could not live with the thought of a child being injured or attacked. Or another pet. Or a person.

Brittany met us at the vets and Devin and I both stayed with them, one at a time, as they drew their last breaths. We hugged them and pet them and told them over and over how much we loved them. We told them each the story of how we came to rescue them and how much we loved being their mommy and daddy. We told them that we would see them again some day and that it wouldn't hurt. They would just fall asleep. The vet's office was amazing and let us spend time with each of them. They gave them a slight sedative to make sure they were relaxed and unafraid.

I try to look at it as though we gave each them years that neither one of them would have had otherwise. We gave them love and care and attention. We played with them when we were home and missed them when we weren't. And in return I received the most beautiful unconditional love.

But I know it is going to take a very long time for my heart to heal.... and maybe it never will. Each loss I've experienced in my life has taken a few more pieces. Pieces that don't ever seem to be replaced.

Just a little vacation from blogging!

Oops. If blogging every day of my 40th year was really an important goal for me, I certainly have not demonstrated that. Guess I have a LOT of catching up to do. Here are the highlights of the past three months.

September we started our month+ of travel.

The week of September 7th I delivered PMP training in San Francisco for one of our partner companies. The great thing about doing their classes is that we use MY materials. So much better. I had a great group and ended up becoming good friends in particular with one of the ladies. She is just one of those cool people that love to hang out with and talk to. She was so cool, as a matter of fact, she was able to get Brooke backstage passes to the Journey / Night Ranger concert in Pensacola. Always enlightening when we do classes for other companies to identify the deficiencies... specifically in customer service. Really bothers me when people aren't accurately prepared for the class. My theory... once you get in that class you should worry about nothing other than learning all of the material.

At this time we had already purchased our three-leg flight for the Dominican Republic. We were supposed to go to DR with Telle and Kristin and then fly up to Boston and deliver a PMP class for a local chapter up in New England. A week before we were to leave, the chapter cancelled the class. Can you say "oh shit"? We already had the books, the reservations, etc. We scrambled and were able to successfully pull together a Boston class.

DR was incredible and although we felt terribly guilty that we were taking a vacation under such poor financial conditions, we convinced ourselves that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, it was super cheap, we couldn't let Telle and Kristin down, on and on. Anything to make ourselves feel better! The resort was beautiful and it was just a truly relaxing, phenomenal trip. It was a little frustrating not having consistent access to WiFi but we managed to get some work done. Devin was a champ and would walk up to the lobby with me twice a day so we could do emails and work on our class enrollment. We met some great people and learned that it is totally possible to spend 8 days in a very small room with another couple and still be friends at the end of the trip!

We flew from DR to Boston and it was so nice to be able to get home during the fall. The leaves were amazing! We picked up Kim and took a drive up through New Hampshire to Fryeburg and finally got to attend the Fryeburg Fair - it's been YEARS!! It was perfect...and it was so awesome to expose Devin to the fair. He got to see the world's largest pig. He can die a happy man now!.

Class went well in Boston but we received the pretty devastating news that the hard drive that crashed was completely unrecoverable. All of our movies, pictures, and worse... our course documents. It was a pretty painful and expensive lesson to just BACK UP YOUR FILES!!! DUH!!! Here it is December and we are still working on recreating our files. Some stuff is just lost forever. :-( Very thankful that I had a copy of our pictures, or at least most of them, on my laptop.

We got back from Boston and had one day to get the house ready from top to bottom for the home exchange. It was a crazy 36 hours and before we knew it, we were sitting on the plane heading to Chicago and then off to Paris. The home exchange was amazing, better than I could have imagined! I'll detail that out in another blog.

We got back to Phoenix on October 27th and real life kicked back in. The following week I did a class in Phoenix and then I was off to Altanta. Atlanta was pretty good with the exception of the last day of class. The parking lot was up on a hill in front of the hotel, with wide concrete steps. I had a little spring in my step that morning - wearing my pin-striped suit, hair done, good make-up - on my way to the office to film some videos for our client. Then BAM. Face-first down on the concrete steps. How embarrassing! Big black egg on my chin. My jaw hurt for a few days. But other than that the pain was more in the humiliation. So much for filming videos!

Home for a week to celebrate Thanksgiving. We decide to do a very small, very quiet Thanksgiving at home. Just the girls. It was heart-breaking, though, that Brooke wasn't able to come home. So strange to have our first big holiday without one of the girls. Brandy was home and Brit came over with Nate... it was a day of eating, wine, and playing games. The surprise of the day was that I won the American Idol singing game. Just messed up. I'm the worse singer in the world!! LOL

This week was DC and I'm now sitting in the gate waiting to go home. I can't wait. And I'll actually be home for awhile!! :-)