Meet Hailee!!

Spivey Algernon Fremouw - RIP

So little and so sweet...
He took his last breath on our garage floor
The cutest little mouse
We named him Spivey Algernon Fremouw
And I gave him a proper burial
Under a tree in our front yard
Rest in Peace our little friend

(yes, we're dorks. LOL)

Bad movie, good movie

Class got done early today, so I was able to enjoy a low-key afternoon and evening. I walked on the beach and the pier, watched the seals for awhile, took some pictures, and got my dinner from Avila Grocery. Back at the room, I settled in with my sandwich, prepped for class, and got a chance to watch a couple of movies.

First was P.S. I Love You, with Hilary Swank.... it was honestly quite bad. I really enjoyed her in Million Dollar Baby, but this movie was slow, sad, and rather odd.

Second movie was Anywhere But Here, one of my favorites, with Susan Sarandon and Natalie Portman. This is a movie that they got right. They got it right enough that when I watch it, I always feel a little guilty when I recognize the resemblance between Sarandon's character and myself. She's a bit crazy, single mother, and can't stand being in her small town anymore. She has big dreams and limited possibilities. The power gets shut off occasionally and when totally depressed, she and her teenage daughter get ice cream. Her ex left when the daughter (Portman) was very young.

I was, probably still am, that crazy mother. I believed fiercely in my dreams and packed up my girls to find "a new life". I remember a few blips in our electricity and cable. But what strikes me most is that no matter the disagreements and struggles, Sarandon captures the absolute love and unwavering adoration of her daughter. Despite hurts on both sides, all they have is each other. I have regrets that I wasn't a better mother, that I perhaps didn't set a good example, but you know what, I loved my girls from the moment I felt them move and that love has only grown over the years. Yeah, our life might have been a little unconventional, may have lacked some of the material things in life, but it did not lack love. And hey, that touch of craziness just made our life more interesting, right?

Even if they are on the verge of being adults themselves and think they are big, I know the truth: they will always be my babies.

Thanksgiving

Truth be told, Thanksgiving was a huge heartbreak and one that may take a little bit of time for me to mend. I was so excited about having the whole family there, especially with Brandy flying in as a special guest on Thursday night.

We had already planned to move the dinner to Friday dinner because Tom and Sue were going to be out of the country until Thursday evening and that would give me an extra day to recover from my surgery. I cooked lots of food (two turkeys, a ham, 8 pies, etc) with help from Brooke and Brandy. We decorated everything to reflect the festivities.

Understatement of the century, but things didn't go at all as expected. I can't even go into a lot of details without crying. Maybe I'll write more later, but suffice to say I 'm struggling with the idea of doing another family gathering anytime soon. At the very least, the guest list will be significantly reduced with certain parties eliminated.
Best part of the day: time with the Fremouw family and the babies!!! Lots of time with my babies (although 22, 19, and 17) might not qualify as babies!

I was once again reminded just how thankful I am for Devin's family and my girls!

She's Here...

Happy Birthday Hailee!!!!!

My first grandchild (ok, almost-grandchild) is here!!! Little baby Hailee was born today weighing 6lbs, 15 oz!! Treva did an amazing job! I cannot wait to meet little Miss Hailee! And guess who gets to take her first official photographs?

Unfortunately, I have to wait until Monday, at the earliest, to see her since I flew to Avila Beach this morning (although what a great place to be!). My flight to SFO was cancelled, but United had me re-booked on US Airways and although I had to switch terminals, I was able to take a direct flight to San Luis Obispo.

If I haven't mentioned it before, I LOVE Avila Beach! And keep in mind, I'm just not a California gal... I'm east coast, all the way. Completely prefer the Atlantic Ocean over the Pacific Ocean. (Although San Francisco is one of my favorite cities). But there is just something about Avila Beach. It's beautiful, unique, and incredibly quiet. Like an undiscovered Mayberry plopped down on the most choice piece of land imagineable. I've met and talked with enough of the locals to firmly believe that they are genuinely nice and down-to-earth, with a kindness and compassion unlike any other place I've visited. It's this genuine friendliness that makes the customer service and customer experience top notch.

My recommendations:

• Joe Momma's Coffee Shop - not only do I rent a room from them (skip the hotel and go for the local feel!) but they also provide my morning latte!


• Avila Beach Grocery - A++++ for the cheeseburger and homemade chips. I will go out on a limb and say they make the best cheeseburger ever! Add the great service onto it, and it's pretty much heaven!


• The pier - nothing negative to say. You get your exercise while practically feeling as though you are walking on water. Not just regular water, the powerful ocean that is just teeming with sea creatures! The local fisherman add flavor to the experience and there is nothing better than a beautiful sunset with the light sparkling off the water. Breathtaking.


• And of course, no visit would be complete without a stop at Hula Hut - LOVE their fudge!!

It took some patience, but I was able to eventually catch a mommy and baby dolphin! Oh, and I was entertained by a Rock Star sea bird. He was all about getting his picture taken - even to the point of posing for over 45 minutes with his wings spread out to each side. Funniest thing!

Yes, this is now on my list as a favorite place (along with Standish, Bucksport, Old Orchard, and Raymond, ME, Bangalore and Kibini India, and Brighton, England).

Avila Beach mystery - can you identify this sea creature?

Avila Beach is beautiful and ranks in my top five favorite places on Earth now. I have a ton of photos, but have a serious mystery on my hands. I took a bunch of photos from the pier but there's one creature I can't identify.

See if you can figure it out!! I know the first three....

A dive-bomber bird... very cool in action

A playful sealion...

A beautiful dolphin...

But what the heck is this????????? Whale? Shark? It's actually white, so I'm thinking whale (which Avila Beach is on the migratory path at this time of year) but Brooke is arguing with me that only whales that are in captivity have bent fins.

Favorite New Song

Addison Road - Hope Now
From the album Addison Road

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of?
When I call out your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm yours I'm not my own
I've been carried by you
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
And make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
I'm not my own
I've been carried by you
All my life
You've become my heart's desire
And I will sing your praises higher
Cause your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Forgiveness

God is great at giving us messages, we just need to listen to those messages. Sometimes they are subtle. Sometimes they are like a 2x4 upside the head. I recently had the 2x4 type of message.


D and I have been much more active with our church (Desert Breeze Community Church - simply AMAZING!) and have recently graduated from their Game of Life class, which was incredible. We have joined a small group (Pastor Ray and the church members believe life change happens best in small groups - and it's so true!) and I am so excited about the direction in which our life is going. I'm putting everything we've learned into action and truly trying to live by His word.


But then real life hits and I take a major detour, or should I say backslide.


Here is the story of one such backslide. Needless to say, elections can be energy-charged and emotional. We had a lot at stake during this particular election and the risk at which our country could potentially (and now IS) under, definitely allowed my emotions to get the better of me. (Especially given that two of my children are giving their life to their country which now has a Commander-in-Chief with absolutely NO military experience.....oops... that was a tangent....sorry). To make a long (and ugly) story short, I lost my temper with some folks in the line at the polls. They had failed to read the signs directing individuals with the last name A-L in one line and M-Z in the other line. Instead of changing lines once they realized their mistake, they decided to stay in the wrong line until they got to the registration table, so that they could simply move over to the correct line without having to "go to the end of the line".


Enter Belinda being irrational and emotional. I made it known that I was not happy with their approach (you know, the "hey, I just screwed up, but instead of inconveniencing myself, I'd rather have everyone else pay for it" - hmmmmm.... wonder who they were voting for??). I also made a comment as to the fact that if they can't read the signs, should they really be casting a ballot for the next President of the US? (yes, I know.... I was being a jerk). They became obviously as outraged by my comments as I was by their behavior, and do you think I would back down?? Of course not (see earlier note about being irrational and emotional).


Suddenly the woman turns and looks at me and says "Can't you have any forgiveness?" Ouch. There was a shock right to the core of my being. It stung. But again, I'm still irrational and emotional.


By the time I get my ballot and finish my voting, I'm feeling regret over my behavior and I keep coming back to her choice of words. Forgiveness. I look for the people outside of the polling location so that I can apologize, but they are gone. For the next week, it tears at my heart. It eats me up inside. I want to apologize. It's not them that needs forgiveness, it is me. I try to think of some way I can possibly apologize. Could I post a bulletin on our community website? Would they see it? Maybe the local paper?


Now, at the same time this is all happening, I have another long-waging battle going on. One that I have been praying about for awhile and really hoping to end, once and for all. It was a black, deep-rooted bitterness and resentment toward my sister. I felt it fester inside me like a cancer, it was all-consuming and constantly ate at me, threatening to overshadow any positive in my life. I was so angry with her and I could not let it go. When I felt my heart start to soften, I would think about the worst of the worst over the past two years and my anger would come back.

While I was traveling a few weeks earlier, I read an article about these four sisters. One had been badly burnt over 90% of her body in a small plane accident with her husband. She shouldn't survive, but she did. Her sisters pitched in, stepping in to raise her children. They visited her constantly, talked with her daily, sat beside her, cried next to her, and they desperately loved, prayed for, and supported their sister. She was a blogger, and while she lay in a coma, they updated her blog. My heart grieved for my sister, not in a coma, not dead, but simply removed from my life through unforgiveness.

But it wasn't until a week after the "poll incident" (aka Belinda's a jerk suffering from verbal diarrhea), that I finally got it. There's the 2x4. Upside the head.... hard. God realized that I wouldn't come to on my own through gentle messages. Nor through weekly church services. Not through discussion in our small groups. I needed a painful assault. And I needed the word "Forgiveness" to get the message.

The day it finally clicked, I sent my sister a text message. It was our first contact in over 2 1/2 years. The next day she responded, and we talked for over two hours that night on the phone. I'm still fearful at times at what the future might hold, that she might hurt me or us again, but it's ok. Because although I could never forget what happened, I can forgive. And as she apologized to me, I realized she was not the only one at fault. I had carried a self-righteous, bitter and unforgiving attitude for all of those months. I, too, needed her forgiveness.

She moves back to the valley tomorrow and I'm actually excited about the possibilities of reconnecting with my sister. We've talked a lot about DBCC and she has promised to check it out.

Perhaps the biggest lesson of my life, and it required the mirror to be held in front of me until I could no longer turn from my reflection. I had to recognize that person that was in the mirror.

A Happy Travel Story

As I breezed through airport security this morning and settled myself in at the gate, it struck me that it's fairly rare to hear a "happy" travel story. In leading customer loyalty training, it was all but a guarantee that a student would speak of their disastrous experience with this airline, or that rental car company, or a particular airport. Perhaps it's simply due to the fact that I have traveled so much and have thus discovered the easiest path, but for the most part I have great travel experiences. This benefits not only me, but also the nervous, bewildered, overwhelmed, and generally inexperienced travelers around me. Just like the dogs pick up on their "pack leader's" feelings and attitudes, a positive attitude is helpful, if not contagious, within a perhaps negatively charged environment of air travel.

Case in point this morning. I arrived at the airport nice and early (of course!) which would be my number one recommendation to anyone who is stressed about impending travel. I fly United and I love them. After traveling most every major airline out there, United is by far the best. If you have flown United out of Phoenix, you know that terminal two is low-traffic, well laid-out, and efficient. (to the contrary, terminal four is a nightmare. One that I will avoid at all costs - yes, even paying more to fly United to avoid US Airways or the other airlines out of terminal four). So RULE ONE - Arrive Early.

Devin drops me off at the curb and we are not rushed nor is there any difficulty finding a drop-off spot right in front of the door. I walk in and walk directly to a self-service terminal. Within a minute and a half, I am checked in and a friendly (yes, friendly) agent takes my bags. There are no lines at security, and I'm actually able to smile and have small talk with the security agent that is checking IDs. I am a Premier member, and although that allows me through the expedited security line, there's no need, as there is only about six people heading through security at this particular time.

I have the security check process down to a science, almost to the point where I find the routine comforting (yes, I think that qualifies me to be clinically insane - who likes the security process at airports??!!). I slip off my shoes, take my ziplock baggy containing my lipbalm out of the front pocket of my backpack, slide out my laptop, and toss my shoes, baggy, sweater and phone in one bin, my laptop in the other.
Rule Two: Dress and Pack for the Security Process - slip off shoes, boarding ticket in your pocket, liquids in your one handy-dandy zip-lock bag and easily accessible, pockets empty.

The lady in front of me is stressed, as is typical - I seem to always have the person in front of me who hasn't traveled, or is in a rush, or who is overwhelmed by what needs to be removed from their body, their bag, etc. But here's where it gets good. I smile, I tell them no worries, don't rush. If possible, I help them to grab another bin, hold a child's hand, etc. Today it was a dog, a little chihuahua, tucked into an expensive-looking bag. The owner was frazzled, trying to walk through with the bag, her shoes on, and all the time being stressed that she might be holding up the line. Remember, there's only me behind her and a handful of other travelers. I reassure her, help her get the high-strung pup out of his bag, and hold his leash while she slips off her shoes.

I walk through security and make a point to say good morning to them all, people that are doing a thankless job in a high-stress environment. Their faces look familiar, and although I'm sure they don't recognize me, I like to believe that they are grateful for a friendly smile and a kind word.

As I settle into my gate, I see the lady with the chihuahua walking by. She stops and thanks me again for helping her. Maybe I made her day a little better. :-)

And here is the other big lesson I've learned from traveling. DON'T STRESS! Prepare for airline delays, missed connections, lost luggage. Bottom line, you will get where you're going and eventually you'll get your bags. Bring books and candy (ha ha) and enjoy the interactions with new people. And know that it's not the gate agent's fault if the flight is delayed, or the flight attendants, or the ticket agents.
Rule Three - Don't Stress! Be prepared for the worst and grateful of the best!

Now, having given my Polly Anna view of travel, that's not to say it's all rosy. I still struggle with the herding/panic instinct that sets in as a plane begins to board. Perhaps it's the Southwest mentality of "rush-to-get-a-seat", but I cannot understand why everyone stands up and crowds the walkway at the first sign of activity behind the counter. I want to tell them all, "you all have reserved seats, the plane isn't going to leave without you". Why block the walkway?? And it never ceases to amaze me that people try to board with group one when they are in group four. I feel sincerely vindicated when the gate agent denies their entry to the plane and proceeds to make an announcement (again) that they are only boarding group one (or group two or group three) at this time and please do NOT try to board before your group number is called.
Rule Four - Sit down and RELAX! Don't stand up and stand in the way before your group number is called!

Other than Southwest mentality, I don't mind traveling and have actually learned to appreciate the experience (ok, other than hitting the wake of the previous plane at Newark airport - gave me a whole new perspective on NOT dying in a plane crash).

And major kudos to Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix - FREE WIFI! They ROCK!

Update to post - My flight from PHX is delayed (ha ha!), but it's OK, because I allowed enough time for my connection. I know that morning flights to SFO tend to be delayed, either due to fog or heavy air traffic. When connecting in SFO, I always leave extra time between my connecting flights!
Rule Five - Allow Sufficient Time Between Connections!

Another cause of stress, is the inability to bring on or find space for carry-ons. Keep it simple - bring one bag that fits beneath the seat in front of you. Check whatever you can and allow for the additional time to retrieve your bags at your destination. Really, it's worth the extra time to eliminate the stress!
Rule Six - Minimal Carry-ons!

Rule Seven - Don't have loud conversations on your cell phone at the gate. Other passengers really don't care that your child overslept, your secretary lost the report, you need a ride from the airport, you hate air travel, or that you have gastro-intestinal upset. Either talk quietly or text! LOL

Pure Joy...

for Sampson is that moment on our walk
as we turn the corner towards our house
and we drop his leash
"Home Sammy!" we yell
At full speed, he bolts toward his home
reaches his destination and turns to watch us approach
wagging his tail
and if dogs smile
he is smiling

Roughing it!

From what I can tell in the pitch dark, Bushkill reminds me of my hometown in Maine. One main street, narrowly winding along the river, made all the more picturesque by the Fall colors on the trees. Living in the city for so long, I'm slightly startled by the complete and total darkness in the country. Normally it wouldn't bother me, but when I'm somewhere new, it knocks me off kilter, just a bit.

The driving directions were pretty clear and almost two hours after leaving Newark airport, I found my way to the "resort" (more about that later!). I made my way down some steps, mainly through feeling my way, toward the learning center. Although I was slightly anxious by the unknowns of the coming week, I couldn't help but drink in the cold air, smell of wood fires, and crispy leaves under my feet. Ahhh.... you can take the girl out of Maine but you can't take Maine out of the girl. Did I appreciate nature, seasons, and everything else that comes with that package when I was in Maine? Actually, I think I did.

Although there were lights on inside, it took quite a few insistent knocks at the door before someone opened it up. I introduced myself and was handed a key and in response to my blank look, the lady offered me a map of the resort. Ummmm.... ok..... could I see my classroom? "sure, it's room 2". ummmmm.....ok...... "down the stairs, around the corner", stated somewhat impatiently. I checked it out and everything looks pretty good, set up well. I decided to check out my residence for the next week. Back to the car, down a tiny road to the first set of villas. Easy walk from the learning center to my villa - that's nice (although I need the exercise).

My headlights illuminated the stairs down to the main door of the villa. Lots of stairs, narrow, dark. So I just decided to make multiple trips with my stuff. First trip down with my backpack and drink, down the stairs, round the corner, and there he was... One of the biggest and most outgoing raccoons I had ever encountered (and yes, I've encountered quite a few!). He was busy having a feast in the trash outside the villa two doors down and he looked none too happy that I had come upon his dinner process. I told him no worries, he could do his thing... but I guess he didn't quite trust me because he ever so slowly climbed up the tree next to the patio, never taking his eyes off of me. Don't worry, dude, I'm hungry, but not that hungry.

Back up to the car for my suitcase, another trip for my laptop bag and books. The room looks a lot like it does on line, just dingier. I'm in a two-bedroom villa - with 2 bedrooms and 2 baths downstairs, a kitchen/dining/living area on the main floor and then a loft with two more beds. There was something a little creepy to me downstairs, so I've made my bed on the couch in the living room and will sleep here for the night. I'm sure after one night of that, I'll move downstairs to one of the beds.

I definitely need to go to the store and gets some drinks/snacks/dinners - but I felt it was probably too late tonight. Hopefully the schedule tomorrow will allow me time to go shopping in the evening. Oh, and the ultimate....there's a Friendly's about 8 miles away. I just might have to go over there for dinner!!!

So I can't really see anything tonight but I'm excited to check everything out tomorrow. I have my alarm set for 4:30 so I can get up, shower, take a walk, prep my class, etc. before class begins. Oh and no cell phone reception so you will need to email me!!

Settling In...

Not quite a month after closing on the house and it feels like we are definitely starting to settle in and establish our routines. Pretty much from the minute we moved in, it felt like home. Although it feels a bit overwhelming at times to think of how much we want to do to make it completely ours, I also want to enjoy the process of making it our home.

The dogs acclimated extremely well and it is evident that they love their new home and especially love going for walks. Vistancia provides a welcome environment for the pups with a great trail system and plenty of open desert for exploring. If all goes well, we try and take them for a walk every morning and sometimes again in the evening. D takes Sam and Bangara and I take Baxter and Sierra. (I swear Sierra needs Ritalin, though - she suffers from an acute case of ADHD!) Sierra and Baxter practically choke themselves through the first part of the walk, but eventually settle in (and tire out!). D has done a great job with the bigger boys and we've even gotten to the point where we can let go of their leashes around the corner and they run to the house by themselves. This is a HUGE change for them!

We still have some work to do on releasing some of Baxter's and Bangara's negative energy and territorialism, however. The other morning some guy was walking his dogs down the sidewalk behind our house and neither Baxter nor Bangara were too happy about it. Their aggression toward those dogs spilled over and they ended up having a bit of a tussle. Needless to say, Baxter wore the wounds from that little encounter with a little bite on his chin. Probably wouldn't have been that big of a deal, however, it was in a spot where it was tough to stop the bleeding. Mix that with him being all white and a chronic licker... next thing you know, he looked like the canine version of Steven King's Carrie. Sierra, being the girl/mom that she is, laid worried outside Baxter's crate, even bringing over her "baby" for him. She is the sweetest little girl.

Brandy is now settling in as well in her new location - Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. It is so awesome to be able to have full cell phone and email contact and I love getting all of the updates on her class. She is the only girl in her class and is kick butt (of course!). I can't wait to see her again, although it is crazy to think the next time won't be until Christmas. This will be the first birthday of hers that I won't be spending the day with her. :-(

Today is a big day for Brooke - we are going to get her senior pictures done. Although, she only wants the picture for her yearbook done right now and we'll do the rest of her photos after she gets her braces off. Seems impossible that my baby is graduating. Where did the years go? It seems like just yesterday they were babies.

More later.... gotta run!

Pride

It has been an incredible few weeks and there is so much to write about that I'm reminded once again why I should update my blog at least a few times per week (versus a few times per month!).

You may be wondering about the title of this particular blog, PRIDE, but as I thought of the perfect title it was the one most prevailing feeling over the past few weeks, so I deemed it most appropriate. Pride in my daughters, pride in my country, pride in my city, pride in my family. In a world that tends to be hung up on negativity and as we are deluged with stories and images of pain, suffering, crime, it feels good to be able to highlight the positive.

Brooke started school last week and has approached this year with a drive and determination that is admirable. Instead of slacking off or coasting through her senior year, she has decided to get the most out of the year. Between taking the EMT program at the community college and trying out for and making the swim team, she is on the go from early in the morning (has to be at the school at 5 am every day for swim practice) through late at night. As if swimming, EMT, pre-calc, an on-line course, hockey, and Navy meetings weren't enough, she also starts a new job this week. We are so impressed and proud of her focus and dedication!

This was the week we've been waiting for as D and I traveled to Great Lakes Naval Base to see Brandy graduate from basic training. It was very disappointing that only the two of us could go, but due to the high price of airfare, there was just no way we could purchase tickets. We flew into O'Hare on Thursday afternoon and drove about 45 minutes north and found the hotel with relative ease. After a quick dinner at Giordano's, we turned in early knowing we would be back up very early on Friday to drive to the base.

Brandy had warned me about the traffic back-ups trying to get into base on graduation day, so I was pretty tense until we made it through the line, security, and a packed parking lot and made our way to the hall. As we entered the hall, we found the section designated for her division and found seats square in the center. Time seemed to move so slow waiting for the ceremony to begin - and it was so hard to believe I was finally going to be seeing her! After a seeming eternity, it began with a state flag ceremony which was pretty cool. The divisions were introduced and entered the hall in numeric order. 310, 311, 312, 313.... I'm waiting, camera on and ready to go... 314, 315.... 316..... and yes, 317! As I strained to see her division entering on the other end of the hall, I worried that I might not be able to find her. But as they turned the corner and started marching toward us, there she was, right in front, holding her division flag. It was definitely Brandy.

She looked awesome in her uniform, the shortest one in her division, holding a huge flag, all business and focused on the job at hand. They marched past us and took their place in the formation and she stopped right in front of us. As the ceremony progressed, I was curious about the officers (I think they were officers!) marching up and down the rows of sailors, looking at each of them, resembling secret service agents. It wasn't long before their job became evident, as sailors started to get dizzy, with some even fainting. With the first sign of wooziness, the "secret service agents" would swoop in and remove the ailing sailor, amazingly before most hit the ground. And there was Brandy, right in front, full dress uniform, holding this huge flag.... oh no, what if she fainted? I watched her start to sway a little, lean back, shift her foot and tried to remind myself that she had years of practice in marching band. She could do this. And she did! No fainting for her!

As a final step, the commanding officer inspected the new sailors and then their liberty was announced. Brandy broke away and practically ran over to us. That was one of the best hugs I have ever received! And yes, I started crying.... tears of relief, tears of pride, tears of happiness. She looked amazing and strong and grown up and so adorable in her uniform. (although I'm not sure "adorable" is what the Navy is going for...). After a few pictures outside, we got in the car and she headed for her first taste of freedom in 7 weeks. We went to Portillo's for lunch and my heart wanted to just about burst with pride as she walked in, dressed in her uniform, carrying a pride that emminated from her. A customer walked up and thanked her for her service to our country. What an amazing moment.

We brought her back to the hotel and she filled us in on everything she had experienced, taught us how to fold towels and t-shirts and explained all of her new lingo. She said it went fast and it was a great experience, one she will always remember. We had to bring her back early that night because she had watch and it was so hard to drop her off after just getting her back with us. But with plans to meet up first thing in the morning, we watched her walk to her "ship". (Which actually isn't a ship at all, but a brick dormitory that they call a ship... ha ha)

Bright and early Saturday morning we were back on base, waiting for her to meet us. After a big breakfast at IHop, we drove into Chicago and headed to Navy Pier. (Oh, and you may have noticed a theme here with the food - Portillos, IHop, etc - man, can that girl eat. I have never seen such a little person eat that much food! I think she ate more than Devin!) At Navy Pier, we decided to go on the Spirit of Chicago lunch cruise - the same one the girls and I went on a few years ago when we were in town for State Wars. Brandy was, of course, the star of the show, not only dancing to the Cha-Cha Slide, the Electric Slide among other songs, she was selected to "act" out the part of Lola to the song Copacabana. It was hilarious!! The Navy obviously didn't rob her of her "Brandy-ness". After dinner at TGI Fridays (yes, the third LARGE meal of the day), we once again brought her back to base.

Today, Sunday, was the best day of all. We met her at 6:30 am and brought her back to the hotel for breakfast and then went back to base for church. Brandy has served as the Master of Arms for the church since arriving and was very excited to have us experience one of the services. What an incredible experience. The chapel, which is very large, was full of young men and women, some recruits, some recently graduated sailors, celebrating Christ. With hands in the air, voices singing out His praises, it was a sight unlike any I have ever seen. These incredible young people had not only devoted their lives to defend our country, they were also fully devoted followers of Christ. The chaplain asked for a show of hands how many were occasional church goers (Christmas and Easter), there were a couple of hands. Monthly church-goers? a few more hands. Weekly church-goers? Majority of hands. What a sight! Praise God! We prayed for all of them, for those effected by hurricane Gustav, and for those soldiers and sailors overseas fighting the war. I was overcome with pride for these incredible and brave men and women, so young and yet with so much clarity on their faith and their dedication.

After church, we tried to catch a movie but couldn't find the theatre so we opted for bowling. We had a great time and Brandy challenged me to a game in the bowling alley arcade of her choice. I said yes, without giving it a second thought. Her grin should have been a clue... as she brought me over to the Dance, Dance Revolution contraption. Yep. I did it. DDR. Not only did I do it, so did Devin! (Pictures to come!) Our last dinner was at Giordano's, Brandy's choice, and I tried to
just enjoy every last minute. But suddenly the weekend was over and it was time to drop her off for the last time. Despite spending most of the weekend laughing and joking, I couldn't fight the tears when it came time to say good-bye. It seemed like we had just arrived and I got to see her and hug her and now she was getting ready to leave us. But this time it wouldn't be 7 weeks, it would be two and a half months, or maybe longer. Our next visit would be over Thanksgiving.

As emotional as it was, it was such an incredible weekend and I loved every minute of it. Brandy's excited to see her sisters in November and is especially anxious to get Brooke ready for her boot camp experience. It is so important to her that her sister is happy and successful in her military career and as their mom, I love seeing the camaraderie and mutual respect that has developed.

Outside of all of these happenings with the girls, we were also blessed with getting our house (FINALLY!!!) last week and much more important than a house, being blessed with a brand new member of the family!!! More details to follow in another post... Will also post pictures of the weekend as soon as I get them uploaded!

Trying to catch up!

Our walking spot - a beautiful garden in Reading

Things have definitely been hectic and I let my blog updates slip! I think it would be pretty much impossible to catch up on everything that's occurred, but I'll at least give the cliff notes version.

It's been a complete rollercoaster with our house and unfortunately the ride is not over yet. We weren't able to close on Monday due to a field review and now we're not even sure if we're going to be able to get our house. :-( The good news is that it's definitely a buyer's market and there are plenty of options out there. I have faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed to!

The Skyline Trail - Hawk Mt. Yep, we hiked this trail!

We got back from Pennsylvania late Saturday night and it was an amazing trip. I am drowning in information and can't wait to get it all in order and a good solid action plan in place. In my heart and soul, I know that I made the right decision and it feels amazing to be aligned with a company that echoes my values. I had an opportunity to meet new affiliates and it was my pleasure and honor to become friends with them. I'm looking forward to a long friendship with each of them.

Being in Pennsylvania once again made me question why it is I live in the desert. While I don't regret moving out here, I do miss back East... the green, seasons, farmland, clean air. Ah - the air smells so good I wish I could package it and bring it home with me! Oh well, one day we might have a farm in PA. :-)

I did get to talk with Brandy for the first time - unfortunately it was while I was on the bus to pick up our rental car, but it was so great to hear her voice! Poor kid has been really sick but it doesn't seem to be slowing her down at all. She's doing well, passing her inspections, and keeping focused on her goals. I know she's homesick and it makes me miss her that much more. I can't wait to see her - we leave two weeks from tomorrow!

July 25th - the hardest day of the year...

I met her first on a warm, humid summer day. I had seen the bikes parked under the patio of the house at the end of the street for a few weeks and I had hoped that there was a girl living in the house that was my age. I desperately wanted a friend in my new neighborhood. With patience, I would ride by the yellow house day after day, hoping to catch a glimpse of some hope that my new best friend would live there.

Finally it happened… our street was about ¼ mile long with about 14 houses. This was the only house that I thought might have someone my age. And there she was. Standing at the end of her dirt driveway, long hair in a sideways ponytail, dressed in a bathing suit with a beach towel around her shoulders. She looked my age and I was so excited that I stopped immediately and introduced myself, not even worried that I was making a total fool of myself. I remember telling her my name and finding out yes, we were the same age, in the same grade. Her name was Stacie and even in that moment, she seemed so much more “girly” than I was. In a shy voice, she told me that she and her sister were going down to the Saco river for a swim. And even though her sister was only two years older, she looked like an adult. Close enough for me – I rushed home and told my mom I was going swimming and fudged, just a bit, on her sister’s age.

With my dog, Penny, at my side, I was back at her house in minutes with my bathing suit on. I had a friend! The trip that day to the river was the first of many days we would spend at the “campground”. (In reality, it was a tiny road with six pop-up campers.) The river provided the perfect swimming hole and the mucky clay on the bottom, blood suckers, and occasional brush on the legs by the fresh-water eels did not deter us from a cool swim. A raft made of wood planks and empty barrels provided hours of entertainment as we would swim underneath, perhaps surfacing in the air pocket in the middle.

That day started a friendship that would last 10 years, cut short by a careless act of selfishness. When I think of my childhood, my memories all center around Stacie – whether it was the feeble attempt to build a fort down in blackberry pit, resurrecting opposing castles in the snow banks at the bus stop or doing our hair together before a school dance. My memories with her are all crystal clear amid a contrasting compilation of barely-there and hazy recollections of the rest of my childhood. It is with startling clarity that I remember the thickness of her hair, the love she had for her poodle, Tuffy, and her distaste for doing chores (especially the bathroom – which I did for her on many days). We would do Jane Fonda aerobics together, listen to Kenny Rogers, and watch Blue Lagoon and Michael Jackson’s Thriller video over and over.

I would do no justice to her memory if I didn’t capture those things that perhaps may not be viewed as overly positive, yet at the time, completely defined her. As much as I didn’t sleep, she slept. And we used to joke that she slept like the dead. Nothing would wake her. She would study so hard for every exam, and yet I would always get a better grade despite not studying. This infuriated her and always made me feel bad. I was chronically early and she was chronically late. I would show up at her house on the way to the bus stop in the morning and her family was none too pleased when the dog would bark at my knocks and wake them up. They never understood why I chose to spend more time at their house than mine. They never knew that when I thought of "family" or "home", they were my definition, not my house.

It was Stacie’s tendency for jealousy that I never understood. After all, she had the one thing I wanted more than anything – a stable, loving home environment. Her family was close, told each other they loved each other frequently, and you could tell how much they all adored her. Even though we were both the youngest of three, it couldn’t have been a more stark contrast.

We had our ups and downs, as teen girls do, but regardless of what was going on, we always spoke on my birthday and on her birthday. It was something we never missed.

She wanted to be a marine biologist – had since the day I met her. She wanted to grow up, get her degree, get married and have two little girls named Hannah and Megan. She also longed to have straight teeth and this would prove to be the only desire she had come to reality. She died shortly after getting her braces off. (Maybe this lends to my strong desire to have my girls appreciate their orthodontics.)

We hadn’t seen each other for quite a few months and it was her 21st birthday. I had Brooke just three months earlier, when I met up with her and some other friends at the bar at the Marriott. I never went "out" so it was so odd to be out, amongst friends. We hadn’t talked in months, as I was busy with the three girls and dealing with the mess Kirk had left me in. But I wanted to see her.

At some point late in the evening, we both went to the ladies room and I will never forget the conversation. Something within me told me to let her know what she meant to me. I must have sounded like a babbling fool – telling her how much I loved her, that she meant the world to me, and she was the most positive thing to come out of my childhood. I thanked her for her friendship and for all of the memories. I told her how beautiful I thought she was and how honored I was to have her as my best friend all of those years. I remember being so overcome with emotion, that I started crying. She hugged me and told me that I was being silly. She told me she loved me too… I'm sure she was trying to figure out how I had gotten "drunk" after not drinking alcohol! How else could my emotional outburst be explained?

That was July, 1991. I spoke to her on my birthday that October. A quick conversation, checked on the kids, and caught up briefly on life.

Two months later, I received word that would forever change my life. I didn’t have a phone in my apartment as diapers and formula took precedence. My mother showed up and told me that she had bad news. Stacie had been in a car accident and she was in critical condition. She didn’t know much other than the fact that her sister and brother were in the car, and although injured, they were expected to be ok. However, Stacie was much more serious. It was four days before Christmas.

She was in ICU at Eastern Maine Medical Center in Bangor – a 3-4 hour drive north. One of my biggest regrets now is not leaving immediately to see her. But I had no one to watch the girls as my mother was heading for potentially life-threatening surgery the following day. And it was that next morning I learned that she died. At the hands of a drunk-driver. Katherine Bolduc, 34 years old, her two kids in the car. Multiple DUIs to her name. At a Christmas party and no one stopped her. No one took her keys. They let her kill my best friend.

I would later learn that Stacie was driving up to spend Christmas with her mother and step-father, bringing her sister and brother. She saw the car coming towards her on her side of the 4-lane road, but she was on a bridge. She was trapped and she knew she was going to die.

At MMC that day, I was in the ICU waiting room as my mother was coming out of surgery. I was crying and filling my sister in on the details when another visitor spoke up. Ironically, I learned, she had been on the rescue unit that was first on scene to Stacie’s accident. She assured me that Stacie had been killed instantly, had not suffered, they only kept her alive long enough to donate her organs. She didn’t suffer, she told me. Yet, how can you say she didn’t suffer if she saw her impending death? I shudder to think of those last minutes of her life before the impact.

The funeral was little more than a blur – the church filled with friends, family, and many Maine State Troopers (her step-father was a State Policeman). But we couldn't help but smile and even giggle a bit when the song "Don't Worry... Be Happy" came loudly from the church speakers. The minister let everyone know, that's what Stacie would have wanted. He commented on her love of dancing in the rain and I knew that he was referring to my special memory. During any substantial rain storm, we would meet at the halfway point between our houses, dancing and singing like fools.

I wrote this post on her 38th birthday, 7/25/08, but she will forever be 21 in my heart and in my memories. A life cut short due to a tragic selfishness and utter disregard for others. I pray often that I will one day forgive her killer and all of those that allowed her killer to be on the road that day. And I pray that no one will ever have to know this pain.

Pennsylvania

So my posts are a bit out of order, but I will do my best to catch up!

Today is our first full day in Reading, PA. I could live here in a heartbeat - it's absolutely beautiful. This is my 2nd trip to the area this year, but I'll be here much longer this time. I'm attending the quarterly affiliate network session for the next four days, one day off (on Sunday), and then six days of fast start training on all of the new processes and products I'll be representing. It's going to be busy and probably exhausting, but I can't think of a better place to be.

Our flights were perfect yesterday and we despite having to get up super early yesterday, I have no complaints. We arrived in Philly around 4:30 p.m. and started the 75 mile out to Reading/Wyomissing. The highways here, similar to Maine, don't necessarily have an exit every mile.... or every two miles, or every five miles, for that matter. D and I were lost in an in-depth conversation when we realized we drove by our exit. It wasn't a simple matter of turning around at the next exit, because by then we were in a completely different area. Despite being a bit directionally and map challenged, we found our way to Reading through beautiful farmland, rolling hills, and green trees and grass. To me, it was worth getting lost, I mean taking a detour, to see more of the countryside. Once we got to Wyomissing, we came upon a beautiful park, with grass, a brooke running through the middle, weeping willow trees, flowers and benches. We decided that after dinner, we would come back and take a walk.

The hotel is very quaint - a rambling, old one to two story structure that provides the necessities but certainly doesn't represent the upscale establishments I normally use when traveling on business. However, I like it so much more!! We have a big room, free Internet, a little refrigerator, and free breakfast buffet each morning (which was delicious!).

We went to Friendly's for dinner - my choice, of course! and then took a nice long walk in the park. On the way out, we met a lady who talked to us for quite awhile and ended up inviting us to her church on Sunday (and to Israel in December!!). God's work, I have no doubt!

The best part of the day, however, was the call I received on the bus to pick up the rental car - I finally heard from BRANDY! It was so amazing to hear her voice again, although she still sounds hoarse. She said she's not feeling too great, but they tell her it's her sinuses not her throat. They gave her some medicine. She has become the "faith officer" or something like that and said she really loves the work she's doing with the church. She is the section leader in the church band, helps organize the services, makes sure people know when to go to church, and is constantly cleaning and doing stuff there at the church to help out. Her Chaplain gave her a new bible and she told me she reads it a lot. It's so great to see how God is working in her life. At the end of the call she started crying and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't wait until I can see her in a few weeks.

I'll post later about the reunion!

Love story

And I have officially decided that Good Will Hunting is my favorite movie. It is the ultimate love story. Robin Williams' character talking about his wife makes me cry everytime.

City by the Bay

Although it got off to a bit of a rocky start, over all I would say it was a successful day. I woke up to Brit knocking on my door, asking me if I was awake and would be ready to go to the airport shortly. Now there's a switch for you - one of my girls waking me up when I've over slept in the morning! :-) I must have slept through my 4:30 am alarm and by the time she woke me up it was too late to shower. I finished packing in a rush, threw on my clothes and we were out the door. It wasn't until I was sitting on the plane that I realized I had forgotten my badge and a few other things.
The flight to San Francisco was great and I was actually able to sleep for a good portion of the flight (again, something new for me!). The cab driver informed me that I was very lucky to come into town today, the weather was the best it had been for awhile and it truly was gorgeous. Sunny, warm, with a nice breeze off the bay.
Although I always enjoy coming to SF, I had what I considered an "uncomfortable" schedule of meetings. Unlike my previous roles, this particular job is basically a task-manager role and lacks the passion and drive I normally have. And the meetings today were pretty much centered around those tasks... a marketing director that would be supporting a letter and email campaign I initiated, a VP of analysis that would provide the stats and analytics for a pilot, and lastly a presentation to my EVP's leadership team.
I enjoyed the 2 1/2 mile walk to the office from my hotel and was once again reminded why I love this city. Of all of the cities I have visited, SF was by far the best walking city and there was no end to the interesting people you see, the incredible architecture. I anticipated my walk to and from the office being the high point of the day. But as usual, life surprised me. My first two meetings were great and I thoroughly enjoyed them. I had some time prior to my presentation, so I stopped by to visit my old team and was greeted with warm hugs. As much as I pride myself on being independent and keeping my emotional distance from business colleagues, this reminded me just how special the people are at my company. And I missed being on and having a team.
After visiting for awhile, I made my way back to Kearny Street to present at the leadership meeting. I knew about half of the 20 SVPs and VPs in the room, including my boss. The presentation seemed to go very well and I received some great emails after - including one from my boss' boss. :-)
But here is where the day gets interesting. About a year ago I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and decided that I would not eat all of my meals in my room while traveling on business. The first few times I ate at a restaurant by myself it was very uncomfortable. I had to find things to look at or do to preoccupy myself - playing with my blackberry, reviewing my to-do list. NowI've learned to just sit, relax, and enjoy my meal and my surroundings when out. Of course, I talk big but the funny thing is I've only pushed my comfort zone just so far... for example, when in SF, I eat out, but it's always at the same restaurant - Cheesecake Factory at the top of Macy's, overlooking Union Square.
Well, on my way into Macy's, I caught sight of a homeless man on his knees, praying. If you've been to SF, you know that there are a lot of homeless on the sidewalks, with signs asking for money, begging, or wandering around aimlessly, most likely victims of mental disorders or drug addictions. As with the poverty in other countries, it almost becomes too much to handle. I feel helpless and powerless, and these are people in my backyard. So I'm guilty of doing what most everyone does - I ignore them. I struggle to "excuse" homelessness - in the past I've judged them - lazy, drug addicts, alcoholics. All things to me that are within someone's control. Sometimes I move away with an irrational fear,scared at times that they may come towards me. But this man on his knees tonight caught my attention. I wondered what he was praying, if he was really praying, and did he have faith in God despite his situation?
The reality of the condition of the people on the street distracted me throughout dinner and as I looked at my plate of food, that was enough to feed at least two people, I couldn't help but feel guilty. At the same time, I thanked God for all of the blessings He has given to me. It seemed small and inconsequential, but I decided to take the rest of my food to go and give it to the man praying out front. I wanted him to know God heard him. However, when I walked out, he was gone but it didn't take me long to find another man. He was older, perhaps in his 60s, with a sign asking for help. He had kind eyes and a sad pride about him. I walked straight up to him, looked him in the eye, and asked "are you hungry, sir?". "Yes, ma'am, I am" he said softly "very hungry". I gave him the bag, telling him it wasn't much but it was warm and fresh. "God bless you" he whispered.
As I walked back to the hotel, I was overcome with emotion. I'm not sure where it came from, but this small interaction moved me. It was such a small act of kindness, it took no time and no money. I gave him food that hundreds of time before I would have just discarded. It made no difference to me how he ended up on the street or what he had done in the past. All that mattered was I was able to make a difference in his life. And in turn, he made a difference in mine.

The pageant

A few months ago Brooke was invited to compete in the National American Miss Teen pageant and decided she would pursue the opportunity. I probably looked at her like she was from outer space - after all, here was my 24/7 hockey player wanting to be in a pageant. Quite a deviation from what I was used to.

Brooke was able to get sponsors, sell some advertising space in the program, and we had a successful shopping trip to get her business suit and gown.

Now, one of my favorite movies is Miss Congeniality. I love it! And it's a pretty good reflection about how I feel about pageants... I mean Scholarship Programs. I have fought against stereotypes all of my life and had a hard time reconciling a "beauty" competition with intelligence and leadership capabilities. Maybe it's because my 5'2" frame wouldn't necessarily lend to an evening gown competition.

But now my daughter was competing and I had to support her by stepping away from my old perspectives and leaving behind my connotation of what a pageant was or was not. A couple of observations:

• Pageant moms, believe it or not, are actually 10x better than hockey moms. There's no yelling, screaming (in a bad way), getting mad at the refs/judges, glaring at the other team, etc. No, on the contrary they were all sweet and genuine and nice. We would talk about which daughter was ours and then we'd cheer each other's daughter on in the next competition. Not to say this doesn't exist in hockey, just not as frequently.


• Parents didn't carry spare allen wrenches, wheels, hockey tape, but rather hairspray, safety pins and bobby pins. And it smells so pretty!! (even though the girls weren't permitted to wear perfume)


• There is a generation of young women who have incredible poise, knowledge, strength, determination and drive. They are smart, genuine and sweet. It would be an honor to work with any of them within the corporate environment.


• When on stage in a beautiful gown, my daughter wasn't a goalie, she was a princess, beautiful beyond words.


• No matter how old you are, you still need the love and support of your family. Perhaps one of the biggest disappointments coming out of the weekend was the fact that many people who Brooke loved and counted on were not at the pageant with her. Although she didn't say it, I could read the sadness on her face.

I am very proud of her - she did a great job. She looked beautiful and tried something outside of her comfort zone.

And I, back to the topic of judging, was reminded once again that I have no right to judge anyone on such trivial grounds or to make assumptions about their character based on their outward appearances. I witnessed an opportunity for young ladies to learn and develop leadership qualities and skills that are lacking in most people in this country. Pride in themselves, strength in their convictions, and belief in the future. To say it was a beauty pageant would simply be referring to pure inner beauty and kindness of spirit.

Matthew 7:1-5 - part one

1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye

As I journey through life I am oftentimes surprised about the lessons I continue to learn. I stand up righteous and proud, convinced that I have learned so much, matured over the years, and then I realize just how little I know and how much I have left to learn. And to me, that's a beautiful thing. What an incredible life I can say I led, if up until the day I die I have continued to learn. Over the past week I have been reading and studying the Book of Matthew. (yes, due in part to the fact that the camo Bible sits in the bathroom and that seems to be the only time I take a few minutes away from the to-do list!). I used to think that the Bible, although an interesting work of literature, was difficult to read and enjoy. I was so wrong and I kick myself for the wasted time reading the latest and greatest management or leadership book, self-help guide, or other nonsense. I don't need those because everything I could possibly need to lead the life that I want is contained with the pages of the Bible.

During our marriage enrichment class at the church, the couple facilitating our class often referenced Matthew 7:4, advising us to take care of "our side of the street" and our spouse would take care of theirs. I'm a score keeper. Not sure why, but it's a huge weakness for me. "So let's see...today I've done this, this and this and you've only done that. I'm doing more and you're not bearing your share of the burden." It's a horrible pre-occupation and a complete waste of time. The best way for me to overcome my scorekeeping tendencies is to remember that class and what we learned. Reading through Matthew brought that back to me.

The past few days, "judgement" could be considered the main topic of my thoughts. Two big events triggered that - the first being my upcoming class reunion and the second being Brooke's participation in the National American Miss Teen pageant (you can see where I'm going with the judging on this one, right?)

My 20 year class reunion is this coming weekend. I don't even know how that could be possible and it's funny just how very different the tone of a 20-year versus a 5- or 10-year. When I first thought about going, I had one very clear goal: I'm going to go show them how well I've done, how successful I am, that I achieved more than any of them thought possible. Fueling this was my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and the personal pressure I put on myself to prove everyone wrong. After all, I had been on a very successful path in life and took an abrupt detour. I lost friends, my reputation was damaged, and I could no longer participate in the things I took such pride in once I got pregnant. I was kicked out of honor society, lost my first chair in wind ensemble, and I was told by a guidance counselor that I would forever be a drain on society. Easy to see why I would want to prove them all wrong, right?

But then I thought, screw them. What do they know? They are a bunch of small town hicks that probably never amounted to anything. Why would I waste my money, my time and my energy to fly across country. Basically, they are not worthy. I made the reunion trivial in my mind, I didn't want to talk about it, think about it or acknowledge it. Fueling this thought: an inability to forgive hurts and wrongs of the past.

A few weeks pass and it's suddenly the week before the reunion and I'm overcome with a feeling of nostalgia, sadness, regret. Friday, the 25th would be Stacie's 38th birthday. Hard to believe she's been gone for 17 years. No matter what was going on or where we were, we always talked on her birthday and mine. When possible, I have tried to go to Maine on her birthday, take the beautiful, slow, winding drive up the coast along Route 1, and make my way to the serene cemetery overlooking Bucksport harbor. Surrounded by pine and birch trees, it's artfully hidden from the road and utterly peaceful. I will sit for awhile and talk as though she is there next to me - catching her up on all of the events of my life. With her, there is no pride, or self-defense, or boasting. There is just truth, and honesty, and love. I have nothing to hide.

Having the reunion scheduled for the day after Stacie's birthday only served to increase my longing to be back home. As I would think about Stacie, other friends would come to mind. Although there are aspects of being from a small town that I didn't care for, we did have one tremendous positive - my friends and I went to school with each other for 13 years. I look at my girls and how many times they have had to move and it seems so amazing to me that they don't know what that was like. And here is where the regret comes in.... I was so angry at myself and for the mistakes that I had made, that I lost sight of those friendships. I was SO afraid of being judged, that I judged. Because I felt bad about myself, I assumed they thought I was a bad person and to retaliate, I would judge them.
Can you find me??? Hint: bottom row red dress with white bib front, boy's haircut!
A reminder was sent out about the reunion with a link to a website containing photos from all of years in school together. As I looked through the pictures, I was flooded with memories, good memories, happy memories. People I respected and friendships I treasured. I'm not sure when it happened, perhaps it was when reciting the Lord's prayer - forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors - but suddenly the anger and judgment was gone. Shortly thereafter I received some emails from old classmates, friends I had not talked to in 20 years. There was no condemnation in their messages, just genuine care and curiosity about where our lives had taken us. I learned that one of my classmates has spent the past two decades in Europe, setting up schools in impoverished towns. Another has become a doctor, establishing medical clinics in Africa. Another good friend is a minister, with an active and popular youth program. And two of my friends have become teachers and teach in the very district where we went to school. And on what grounds had I judged them? To think of how I have judged them all of these years simply because I assumed they were judging me. Time to work on the log in my own eye.

So now I want to once again attend my reunion. But now it's not about pride, or judgement, or selfishness. It's about re-connecting with dear friends who shared my entire childhood. It's about honoring Stacie's memory, it's to share stories of our beautiful families and the blessings God has granted to us. It's to let go of anything negative in the past and emerge with new friendships, new insights, and a new appreciation of each other.

Realistically, however, the reunion was a week away and I had a business trip booked on Thursday and Friday on the opposite coast. Not only could I not afford to go, there was no way I could make the schedule. I got upset, cried some tears, and realized that would do no good. So I prayed and turned it over to God.

I decided to price out a trip, just to see... I was due to land in Phoenix from SF on Friday afternoon, but to use my miles to travel to Boston, I wouldn't be able to fly back home until Monday evening. That would be too difficult given that I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday for 12 days. On a whim, I checked the schedule on flights from SF to Boston and was able to find a flight with my miles that would get me back on Sunday morning. But I would need to then pay for a one-way flight from SF to PHX. $181. Ugh.

And then I realized that I could just move my return flight from SF to Sunday and then the return flight would be covered under my business ticket. Nothing out of pocket! It worked! After texting D to make sure it was ok with him, I checked with Kim to see if she would not only be willing to pick me up at midnight on Friday but to also get me back to Boston at 6am on Sunday following the reunion. She agreed and was excited that I would be her "date"! And the 6am was fine with both of us because we didn't intend to drink at the reunion, so why not pull an all-nighter??

I'm not sure how it all fell into place, but it did and I am so excited!! It's a quick trip, but how incredible it's going to be to see everyone. And to do it with nothing out-of-pocket is nothing short of miraculous.

In the next post, I'll give the beauty pageant update!!

Update from Brandy!

Every day since she left, I would anxiously check the mail to see if we received a letter from Brandy. Today was my lucky day with two letters. Now thankfully, I opened the letter sent later first - as it seems things have definitely improved as time goes on. She ended up staying awake for more than 40 hours straight and I'm sure that didn't help the fact she came down with a nasty sinus infection. Her division had actually already been there for a week when she joined which means she'll be graduating a week earlier. She doesn't seem very fond of the rest of her division- telling me their immature and she hasn't yet made any friends. That seems so out of character for Brandy and I'm sure that will change soon.

In the first letter she expressed her disappointment over the fact that the band was only accepting drummers. But, according to the 2nd letter, she is now playing with the church band and really loves it. And to make it even better, she made section leader!! :-) She met her goal of being the lead recruit, so that was excellent news. Being a good big sister, she passed on tidbits of information for Brooke to help prepare her for her time at boot camp. It is apparent that the preparation and DEP meetings paid off for her - I'm so thankful to her recruiters.

My daily epiphany

I have epiphanies frequently. Which I think is good because it demonstrates that even though I'm getting older, I'm still learning every day and perhaps correcting my path if I'm not going in the right direction.

Here's my epiphany for today: I have been a complete hippocrate!

One of my greatest passions in life is facilitating learning - I love to be in front of a class, I don't care what the subject is as long as it involves people being engaged and becoming excited about the topic. I will spend every last ounce of energy I have to make sure that my participants are enjoying their time and truly getting something out of the class experience.

Next week I will be facilitating a completely virtual learning session. Needless to say, my goal is to have all of the participants engaged. I'm also working on curriculum for another pretty intense virtual class and I've been spending a lot of time thinking about that curriculum and how to keep it interesting. Think about it. It's hard enough not to multi-task or drift off when you're in a meeting or on the phone. It's even worse when you're actually already on the computer to take the class. It's so easy to check your email or update your blog!

So here I am tonight, sitting on my ethics class, as a participant, and WHAM! An epiphany! I'm a hippocrate. Throughout most of the class I've multi-tasked, dreaded the class, checked out, etc. Not to mention, I haven't done a great job of keeping up with the assignments. And my poor instructor. It's his first time leading a virtual learning session and although it's evident he has sound business knowledge, facilitation skills are a bit lacking. I should have seen this as a huge opportunity. I'm a facilitator, a business person, and out-going as anything and yet I've stayed silent, not participated, and been pretty much absent from the class.

The bad news is that the class is 2/3 over, however, it's never too late. So tonight I participated and jumped in when I could. I thanked my instructor and really stayed attentive.

Probably most people wouldn't classify this as an epiphany, but I do! When you have an opportunity to engage with other people, help someone else out, you do it! No falling into "victim" mode or mentality. It's about always thinking AND acting as a compassionate leader!

A camouflage Bible

On our way into MEPS on Monday, to get Brandy processed, we were each handed a small Bible, covered in the latest camouflage. It was a perfect size, designed to fit in the pocket of fatigues, or in our case perfect for my purse and for the back of the toilet. As silly as it sounds, that little Bible, containing the New Testament, is the best way to spend a few quiet minutes when we're in the bathroom. D has found it ideal and I believe, has even traded his pocket yahtzee game and opted to read a chapter or so.

Every time I see the little cammo Bible, I feel comfort knowing that Brandy is carrying the same one. I'm excited to think about the comfort it will bring her over the coming weeks and more importantly, thoughout her life. This week has been difficult and at those moments when I'm filled with pain and despair and worry, I realize that it is because I am not trusting in Him. Not hearing His word.

So I pray, I pray for her and I pray for me. I pray for all of the other members of our military who so selflessly are giving their life for our country and I pray for their families who, I'm sure, feel the same pride, yet who miss them while they're serving.

My Crazy Life

It's been two days since Brandy left, and it's still tough. I think the hardest part is that I haven't heard from her so I have no idea how she's doing. Knowing Brandy like I do, I picture her kicking butt, doing a great job, and winning everyone over. But as her mom, I can't help but worry. Is she sick?? Her tonsils were bad when she went up there. How about her sunburn? Is she exhausted? Is she homesick? She told me she got one phone call, but so far we haven't heard from her. And I anticipate it's going to be awhile before she can get a letter in the mail.

Meanwhile, life moves on. I have so much going on right now (not that that's any deviation from the norm) but it's quite overwhelming, though I think in a positive way. There's nothing like trying to run two businesses, a full time job, full time school, and get things taken care of for our new house, get ready for Brooke's upcoming pageant, tend the dogs and Bangara's infection, keep the house clean, brush up on MS Project, oh yeah... and lose ten pounds and get back into shape! There are just not enough hours in the day.

I do have this small window of time in the morning that I love. I'm the only one awake, the dogs are still on their good behavior, and I'm able to make my plan of attack for the day in the silence of the morning. I mark all of my meetings on my calendar, list out all of my outstanding tasks (broken out of course by category), and get focused on trying to accomplish them all. I probably average getting done about 20% on my list - I want to increase that to 75 - 80% by next week! The problem is, I tend to add things to the list as the day progresses, so it just grows and grows uncontrollably.

My goal starting next week is to take the dogs for a walk in the morning - two at a time. Bangara and Baxter are only good for about 1/2 mile, so I'll bring them together and then come back and get Sampson and Sierra who should be able to do about a mile! Gets me my exercise and gets them the time and exercise they need. Wish me luck!

The hardest thing I've ever done...

I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. And then reality slapped me across the face - hard! I didn't want to say good-bye, I didn't want to let her go. My heart hurt and the tears couldn't be stopped.


Fromm talks of parental love in his book "Sane Society", referring to it as the most difficult love that exists. As a parent, you have to have this deep, unconditional, unwavering love for your child, yet the very minute they are born or brought into your life, you have to begin preparing them to leave you. Everything we do from the moment that child is placed in your arms for the first time is done to ready them for this very moment, though we may not realize it at the time.


Driving away from dropping her off, sheer panic set in. Did I do it right? Did I give her everything I could have? Is she ready for what lies before her? Was I a good Mom?


It's funny, I've heard people talk about how your life flashes before your eyes during scary or life-threatening moments, but today it was her life that flashed before my eyes. I could picture her entire life as if it was in a little precious package. So quickly it has gone. I thought of the first ultrasound that not only revealed she was a little girl, but a little girl with severe leg deformities. I never once considered not continuing the pregnancy, but rather she was the child God gave me and I knew I would love her and treasure her no matter what was in store. I remember her first moments on this earth, bald and bruised, with her crooked little legs, but yet a determination and strength that carries on through today.

I remember a baby with a will so strong, that she learned to walk despite huge casts on her legs and a spirit so unwavering that the doctors couldn't hold her down to change those casts. I remember a toddler that would climb on tables, break her collar bone and have temper tantrums so bad that I would just sit there and cry with frustration.

I remember a young girl that was not afraid of anything and would never back down from a challenge. Boys-only baseball team? She was the starting pitcher. I can still picture the day that the ump told her that girls had no business playing on a boys team and her smile at him as she struck out the next five batters. And then there was hockey. Her crooked feet had a way of constantly damaging her skates and her mouth and quick temper had a way of landing her in the penalty box.

I remember a young lady who emerged as a leader in her high school, helping to found an award-winning marching band, winning the John Philip Souza award. A young lady earning recognition for her beautiful smile and winning the vote as the most likely band member to become president. A young lady who loves with all of her heart, tries with all of her might, and believes in people, the future, our country, and our God.

Having had one child "grow up" and leave already, I suddenly have a new understanding for the difference between having one leave the nest and fall stumbling and struggling on the ground below versus having one leave the nest and fly off. Not to say she won't stumble and struggle, because she will. The difference lies within the swiftness of the goodbye, the sudden change of having your child with you daily to having her in another state, with minimal contact.

Tonight...I feel her fear, her excitement, her eagerness.
Tonight...I miss her with all of my heart and my being.
Tonight...I know God is with her, watching over her, protecting her.
Tonight...I am SO proud of my daughter.
Tonight...I am eternally grateful that God blessed me with being her mother.

The Next Chapter

Strange to think that in two days, my life is going to change. I will officially be a military Mom, with a daughter serving our great country. Having spent time in other countries that don't enjoy the same liberties we have in the US, I have a profound appreciation for what we have. I recognize that it is men and women like my daughter who protect and defend our freedoms here in the US and around the world and as such, I couldn't be more proud of her decision.

During class the other night, my instructor closed class by wishing us a happy 4th and reminding us to research the fate of the 56 signers of the Declaration of Independence. I consider myself a fairly educated person and definitely patriotic, yet I was surprised by how little I knew about those men and the sacrifice they made. They sacrficed and lost most everything that was precious to them to establish our country and allow us to live as we do today. Though they lost their fortunes, some lost their loved ones, they never recanted. Not one of them. Why would they be willing to lose everything? I believe it was their profound faith in God. Otherwise, how could it be possible that they stayed resolute? All 56 men were devout in their faith in God and founded this country based on that faith.

Take for example Abraham Clarke, one of the signers:

He gave two sons to the officer corps in the Revolutionary Army. They were captured and sent to the infamous British prison hulk afloat in New York harbor known as the hell ship "Jersey," where 11,000 American captives were to die. The younger Clarks were treated with a special brutality because of their father. One was put in solitary and given no food. With the end almost in sight, with the war almost won, no one could have blamed Abraham Clark for acceding to the British request when they offered him his sons' lives if he would recant and come out for the King and parliament. The utter despair in this man's heart, the anguish in his very soul, must reach out to each one of us down through 200 years with his answer: "No."

From http://usff.com/usff/sacredhonor.html

He was asked to stand true to his beliefs, yet was faced with the ultimate torment a parent could be faced with.

So I ask myself, do I stand true to my beliefs? Do you?

There is such a sadness in my heart that Brandy will be leaving, that she will not longer "need" her Mom the way she used to - she is grown, and strong, and determined. But she will always be my little girl, my miracle baby who fought tremendous battles to even come into this world. But I believe in my God and my country, and to have her serve in our military makes me prouder than words can express.

I love you Brandy and I'm so proud of you!