1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye
As I journey through life I am oftentimes surprised about the lessons I continue to learn. I stand up righteous and proud, convinced that I have learned so much, matured over the years, and then I realize just how little I know and how much I have left to learn. And to me, that's a beautiful thing. What an incredible life I can say I led, if up until the day I die I have continued to learn. Over the past week I have been reading and studying the Book of Matthew. (yes, due in part to the fact that the camo Bible sits in the bathroom and that seems to be the only time I take a few minutes away from the to-do list!). I used to think that the Bible, although an interesting work of literature, was difficult to read and enjoy. I was so wrong and I kick myself for the wasted time reading the latest and greatest management or leadership book, self-help guide, or other nonsense. I don't need those because everything I could possibly need to lead the life that I want is contained with the pages of the Bible.
During our marriage enrichment class at the church, the couple facilitating our class often referenced Matthew 7:4, advising us to take care of "our side of the street" and our spouse would take care of theirs. I'm a score keeper. Not sure why, but it's a huge weakness for me. "So let's see...today I've done this, this and this and you've only done that. I'm doing more and you're not bearing your share of the burden." It's a horrible pre-occupation and a complete waste of time. The best way for me to overcome my scorekeeping tendencies is to remember that class and what we learned. Reading through Matthew brought that back to me.
The past few days, "judgement" could be considered the main topic of my thoughts. Two big events triggered that - the first being my upcoming class reunion and the second being Brooke's participation in the National American Miss Teen pageant (you can see where I'm going with the judging on this one, right?)
My 20 year class reunion is this coming weekend. I don't even know how that could be possible and it's funny just how very different the tone of a 20-year versus a 5- or 10-year. When I first thought about going, I had one very clear goal: I'm going to go show them how well I've done, how successful I am, that I achieved more than any of them thought possible. Fueling this was my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and the personal pressure I put on myself to prove everyone wrong. After all, I had been on a very successful path in life and took an abrupt detour. I lost friends, my reputation was damaged, and I could no longer participate in the things I took such pride in once I got pregnant. I was kicked out of honor society, lost my first chair in wind ensemble, and I was told by a guidance counselor that I would forever be a drain on society. Easy to see why I would want to prove them all wrong, right?
But then I thought, screw them. What do they know? They are a bunch of small town hicks that probably never amounted to anything. Why would I waste my money, my time and my energy to fly across country. Basically, they are not worthy. I made the reunion trivial in my mind, I didn't want to talk about it, think about it or acknowledge it. Fueling this thought: an inability to forgive hurts and wrongs of the past.
A few weeks pass and it's suddenly the week before the reunion and I'm overcome with a feeling of nostalgia, sadness, regret. Friday, the 25th would be Stacie's 38th birthday. Hard to believe she's been gone for 17 years. No matter what was going on or where we were, we always talked on her birthday and mine. When possible, I have tried to go to Maine on her birthday, take the beautiful, slow, winding drive up the coast along Route 1, and make my way to the serene cemetery overlooking Bucksport harbor. Surrounded by pine and birch trees, it's artfully hidden from the road and utterly peaceful. I will sit for awhile and talk as though she is there next to me - catching her up on all of the events of my life. With her, there is no pride, or self-defense, or boasting. There is just truth, and honesty, and love. I have nothing to hide.
Having the reunion scheduled for the day after Stacie's birthday only served to increase my longing to be back home. As I would think about Stacie, other friends would come to mind. Although there are aspects of being from a small town that I didn't care for, we did have one tremendous positive - my friends and I went to school with each other for 13 years. I look at my girls and how many times they have had to move and it seems so amazing to me that they don't know what that was like. And here is where the regret comes in.... I was so angry at myself and for the mistakes that I had made, that I lost sight of those friendships. I was SO afraid of being judged, that I judged. Because I felt bad about myself, I assumed they thought I was a bad person and to retaliate, I would judge them.
Can you find me??? Hint: bottom row red dress with white bib front, boy's haircut!
A reminder was sent out about the reunion with a link to a website containing photos from all of years in school together. As I looked through the pictures, I was flooded with memories, good memories, happy memories. People I respected and friendships I treasured. I'm not sure when it happened, perhaps it was when reciting the Lord's prayer - forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors - but suddenly the anger and judgment was gone. Shortly thereafter I received some emails from old classmates, friends I had not talked to in 20 years. There was no condemnation in their messages, just genuine care and curiosity about where our lives had taken us. I learned that one of my classmates has spent the past two decades in Europe, setting up schools in impoverished towns. Another has become a doctor, establishing medical clinics in Africa. Another good friend is a minister, with an active and popular youth program. And two of my friends have become teachers and teach in the very district where we went to school. And on what grounds had I judged them? To think of how I have judged them all of these years simply because I assumed they were judging me. Time to work on the log in my own eye.
So now I want to once again attend my reunion. But now it's not about pride, or judgement, or selfishness. It's about re-connecting with dear friends who shared my entire childhood. It's about honoring Stacie's memory, it's to share stories of our beautiful families and the blessings God has granted to us. It's to let go of anything negative in the past and emerge with new friendships, new insights, and a new appreciation of each other.
Realistically, however, the reunion was a week away and I had a business trip booked on Thursday and Friday on the opposite coast. Not only could I not afford to go, there was no way I could make the schedule. I got upset, cried some tears, and realized that would do no good. So I prayed and turned it over to God.
I decided to price out a trip, just to see... I was due to land in Phoenix from SF on Friday afternoon, but to use my miles to travel to Boston, I wouldn't be able to fly back home until Monday evening. That would be too difficult given that I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday for 12 days. On a whim, I checked the schedule on flights from SF to Boston and was able to find a flight with my miles that would get me back on Sunday morning. But I would need to then pay for a one-way flight from SF to PHX. $181. Ugh.
And then I realized that I could just move my return flight from SF to Sunday and then the return flight would be covered under my business ticket. Nothing out of pocket! It worked! After texting D to make sure it was ok with him, I checked with Kim to see if she would not only be willing to pick me up at midnight on Friday but to also get me back to Boston at 6am on Sunday following the reunion. She agreed and was excited that I would be her "date"! And the 6am was fine with both of us because we didn't intend to drink at the reunion, so why not pull an all-nighter??
I'm not sure how it all fell into place, but it did and I am so excited!! It's a quick trip, but how incredible it's going to be to see everyone. And to do it with nothing out-of-pocket is nothing short of miraculous.
In the next post, I'll give the beauty pageant update!!
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye
As I journey through life I am oftentimes surprised about the lessons I continue to learn. I stand up righteous and proud, convinced that I have learned so much, matured over the years, and then I realize just how little I know and how much I have left to learn. And to me, that's a beautiful thing. What an incredible life I can say I led, if up until the day I die I have continued to learn. Over the past week I have been reading and studying the Book of Matthew. (yes, due in part to the fact that the camo Bible sits in the bathroom and that seems to be the only time I take a few minutes away from the to-do list!). I used to think that the Bible, although an interesting work of literature, was difficult to read and enjoy. I was so wrong and I kick myself for the wasted time reading the latest and greatest management or leadership book, self-help guide, or other nonsense. I don't need those because everything I could possibly need to lead the life that I want is contained with the pages of the Bible.
During our marriage enrichment class at the church, the couple facilitating our class often referenced Matthew 7:4, advising us to take care of "our side of the street" and our spouse would take care of theirs. I'm a score keeper. Not sure why, but it's a huge weakness for me. "So let's see...today I've done this, this and this and you've only done that. I'm doing more and you're not bearing your share of the burden." It's a horrible pre-occupation and a complete waste of time. The best way for me to overcome my scorekeeping tendencies is to remember that class and what we learned. Reading through Matthew brought that back to me.
The past few days, "judgement" could be considered the main topic of my thoughts. Two big events triggered that - the first being my upcoming class reunion and the second being Brooke's participation in the National American Miss Teen pageant (you can see where I'm going with the judging on this one, right?)
My 20 year class reunion is this coming weekend. I don't even know how that could be possible and it's funny just how very different the tone of a 20-year versus a 5- or 10-year. When I first thought about going, I had one very clear goal: I'm going to go show them how well I've done, how successful I am, that I achieved more than any of them thought possible. Fueling this was my lack of self-esteem, self-confidence and the personal pressure I put on myself to prove everyone wrong. After all, I had been on a very successful path in life and took an abrupt detour. I lost friends, my reputation was damaged, and I could no longer participate in the things I took such pride in once I got pregnant. I was kicked out of honor society, lost my first chair in wind ensemble, and I was told by a guidance counselor that I would forever be a drain on society. Easy to see why I would want to prove them all wrong, right?
But then I thought, screw them. What do they know? They are a bunch of small town hicks that probably never amounted to anything. Why would I waste my money, my time and my energy to fly across country. Basically, they are not worthy. I made the reunion trivial in my mind, I didn't want to talk about it, think about it or acknowledge it. Fueling this thought: an inability to forgive hurts and wrongs of the past.
A few weeks pass and it's suddenly the week before the reunion and I'm overcome with a feeling of nostalgia, sadness, regret. Friday, the 25th would be Stacie's 38th birthday. Hard to believe she's been gone for 17 years. No matter what was going on or where we were, we always talked on her birthday and mine. When possible, I have tried to go to Maine on her birthday, take the beautiful, slow, winding drive up the coast along Route 1, and make my way to the serene cemetery overlooking Bucksport harbor. Surrounded by pine and birch trees, it's artfully hidden from the road and utterly peaceful. I will sit for awhile and talk as though she is there next to me - catching her up on all of the events of my life. With her, there is no pride, or self-defense, or boasting. There is just truth, and honesty, and love. I have nothing to hide.
Having the reunion scheduled for the day after Stacie's birthday only served to increase my longing to be back home. As I would think about Stacie, other friends would come to mind. Although there are aspects of being from a small town that I didn't care for, we did have one tremendous positive - my friends and I went to school with each other for 13 years. I look at my girls and how many times they have had to move and it seems so amazing to me that they don't know what that was like. And here is where the regret comes in.... I was so angry at myself and for the mistakes that I had made, that I lost sight of those friendships. I was SO afraid of being judged, that I judged. Because I felt bad about myself, I assumed they thought I was a bad person and to retaliate, I would judge them.
Can you find me??? Hint: bottom row red dress with white bib front, boy's haircut!A reminder was sent out about the reunion with a link to a website containing photos from all of years in school together. As I looked through the pictures, I was flooded with memories, good memories, happy memories. People I respected and friendships I treasured. I'm not sure when it happened, perhaps it was when reciting the Lord's prayer - forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors - but suddenly the anger and judgment was gone. Shortly thereafter I received some emails from old classmates, friends I had not talked to in 20 years. There was no condemnation in their messages, just genuine care and curiosity about where our lives had taken us. I learned that one of my classmates has spent the past two decades in Europe, setting up schools in impoverished towns. Another has become a doctor, establishing medical clinics in Africa. Another good friend is a minister, with an active and popular youth program. And two of my friends have become teachers and teach in the very district where we went to school. And on what grounds had I judged them? To think of how I have judged them all of these years simply because I assumed they were judging me. Time to work on the log in my own eye.
So now I want to once again attend my reunion. But now it's not about pride, or judgement, or selfishness. It's about re-connecting with dear friends who shared my entire childhood. It's about honoring Stacie's memory, it's to share stories of our beautiful families and the blessings God has granted to us. It's to let go of anything negative in the past and emerge with new friendships, new insights, and a new appreciation of each other.
Realistically, however, the reunion was a week away and I had a business trip booked on Thursday and Friday on the opposite coast. Not only could I not afford to go, there was no way I could make the schedule. I got upset, cried some tears, and realized that would do no good. So I prayed and turned it over to God.
I decided to price out a trip, just to see... I was due to land in Phoenix from SF on Friday afternoon, but to use my miles to travel to Boston, I wouldn't be able to fly back home until Monday evening. That would be too difficult given that I was scheduled to leave on Tuesday for 12 days. On a whim, I checked the schedule on flights from SF to Boston and was able to find a flight with my miles that would get me back on Sunday morning. But I would need to then pay for a one-way flight from SF to PHX. $181. Ugh.
And then I realized that I could just move my return flight from SF to Sunday and then the return flight would be covered under my business ticket. Nothing out of pocket! It worked! After texting D to make sure it was ok with him, I checked with Kim to see if she would not only be willing to pick me up at midnight on Friday but to also get me back to Boston at 6am on Sunday following the reunion. She agreed and was excited that I would be her "date"! And the 6am was fine with both of us because we didn't intend to drink at the reunion, so why not pull an all-nighter??
I'm not sure how it all fell into place, but it did and I am so excited!! It's a quick trip, but how incredible it's going to be to see everyone. And to do it with nothing out-of-pocket is nothing short of miraculous.
In the next post, I'll give the beauty pageant update!!
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment