The hardest thing I've ever done...

I thought I was prepared. I thought I was ready. And then reality slapped me across the face - hard! I didn't want to say good-bye, I didn't want to let her go. My heart hurt and the tears couldn't be stopped.


Fromm talks of parental love in his book "Sane Society", referring to it as the most difficult love that exists. As a parent, you have to have this deep, unconditional, unwavering love for your child, yet the very minute they are born or brought into your life, you have to begin preparing them to leave you. Everything we do from the moment that child is placed in your arms for the first time is done to ready them for this very moment, though we may not realize it at the time.


Driving away from dropping her off, sheer panic set in. Did I do it right? Did I give her everything I could have? Is she ready for what lies before her? Was I a good Mom?


It's funny, I've heard people talk about how your life flashes before your eyes during scary or life-threatening moments, but today it was her life that flashed before my eyes. I could picture her entire life as if it was in a little precious package. So quickly it has gone. I thought of the first ultrasound that not only revealed she was a little girl, but a little girl with severe leg deformities. I never once considered not continuing the pregnancy, but rather she was the child God gave me and I knew I would love her and treasure her no matter what was in store. I remember her first moments on this earth, bald and bruised, with her crooked little legs, but yet a determination and strength that carries on through today.

I remember a baby with a will so strong, that she learned to walk despite huge casts on her legs and a spirit so unwavering that the doctors couldn't hold her down to change those casts. I remember a toddler that would climb on tables, break her collar bone and have temper tantrums so bad that I would just sit there and cry with frustration.

I remember a young girl that was not afraid of anything and would never back down from a challenge. Boys-only baseball team? She was the starting pitcher. I can still picture the day that the ump told her that girls had no business playing on a boys team and her smile at him as she struck out the next five batters. And then there was hockey. Her crooked feet had a way of constantly damaging her skates and her mouth and quick temper had a way of landing her in the penalty box.

I remember a young lady who emerged as a leader in her high school, helping to found an award-winning marching band, winning the John Philip Souza award. A young lady earning recognition for her beautiful smile and winning the vote as the most likely band member to become president. A young lady who loves with all of her heart, tries with all of her might, and believes in people, the future, our country, and our God.

Having had one child "grow up" and leave already, I suddenly have a new understanding for the difference between having one leave the nest and fall stumbling and struggling on the ground below versus having one leave the nest and fly off. Not to say she won't stumble and struggle, because she will. The difference lies within the swiftness of the goodbye, the sudden change of having your child with you daily to having her in another state, with minimal contact.

Tonight...I feel her fear, her excitement, her eagerness.
Tonight...I miss her with all of my heart and my being.
Tonight...I know God is with her, watching over her, protecting her.
Tonight...I am SO proud of my daughter.
Tonight...I am eternally grateful that God blessed me with being her mother.