Strange new life....

I feel as though I've been walking in a fog the past week and the fog is finally starting to dissipate and things are becoming much clearer. I am, after 23 years, officially an empty-nester. And it's amazing the feelings that this pivotal life event evokes. I guess my situation is somewhat unique in that I had my babies when I was a baby. I've never known what it's like to be an adult without having the care of three children. It really doesn't matter how old they are, you are on duty 24/7/365. I told Devin, it's like being told to walk.... and keep walking.... never resting, never taking a break for 23 years straight.

Even when they turn 18, if they still live under your roof and/or are still finishing school, you are bottom line responsible. Did they get up for school this morning? Will they make smart decisions when they are out driving around at night? Are they being responsible with their job and their money?

When you do get a vacation, you're never truly on vacation. In fact, it's almost worse because you are not right there with them, monitoring them. Mommy-worry-mode kicks into high gear. What if there's an emergency and you're not there?

So back to the event that resulted in my empty-nest... Brooke left for the Navy bootcamp this week. It was truly a bitter-sweet moment - perhaps a little more sweet than I would have anticipated. She has been in the delayed entry program for a year, so we've had more than enough time to prepare for this (and we were very supportive of her decision). There were some times during the past year that we thought she'd give up and not go through with it - her biggest concern being leaving her hockey friends. (Ugh.)

I gave her a going-away luau, as is tradition in the family, and unfortunately it worked out that it happened to be the weekend Devin was gone. Interestingly enough, the same thing happened last year during Brandy's luau..... hmmmmmm...... The best part was realizing just how great my friends are - Kim was here (YAY!!) and Telle really stepped in and helped - both from the party / bartender perspective and ultimately providing some emotional support that I so desperately needed by the end of the evening. (Brooke laid some info on me that was pretty tough to take, but that's all that needs to be said. I want it dead and buried!).

Brooke really wanted to see Brandy before she left, so Kim and I decided to forego our previously planned trip and take an overnight road trip to Cali. I'm always up for a road trip, but this one was pretty brutal. After next to no sleep the night before, we were on the road until almost 2 in the morning. We went all day on Monday, and didn't get back home to AZ until close to midnight. Then it was up at 3:30 to bring Kim to the airport.

All in all the trip was good - although I can't say for sure that Brooke enjoyed it - which kind of defeated the purpose of going. But we had fun.... we went to the NEX on base and got some cool Navy stuff, then we drove down to Hollywood and walked around Hollywood Blvd (can honestly say that was a pretty big let down... not what I pictured at all). After lunch at CPK, we went to the beach up by Port Hueneme and checked out the seals and the sea lions. Before we knew it, it was time to get back on the road.

Tuesday was a really rough day with me and Brooke and the worst part was knowing that this was going to be our last day together. But I only saw her for a few minutes and they definitely weren't a good few minutes. So disappointing. By the time we put her on the military bus to the airport on Wednesday, I was done. Completely exhausted - both physically and emotionally.

Back at home, Devin and I got busy cleaning her room and her bathroom. We decided to re-arrange and move her stuff downstairs and make it the guestroom and move the music equipment upstairs and make a music room/lounge. It came out so good! But in all the cleaning and vacuuming we both missed Brooke's "last" call - literally by two minutes. I felt so bad.

The first few days after she left I was on an emotional roller coaster. I was angry that I was given information that made me realize she wasn't the person I thought she was. I felt betrayed, hurt, and stupid. I was deeply saddened that this was how my time with my girls was going to end. I was guilty - feeling like I did something wrong, I was a bad mom. And then I would feel guilty that I was happy to be starting this new chapter of my life with my husband. And then I would miss her terribly and be overcome with worry for her, knowing that the first three days are absolutely brutal at boot camp. I was in my own emotional hell - brought on completely by my own mind.

And then yesterday, I started letting go. I let go of the irrational fears of what her life will become. I let go of the guilt of enjoying our new start. I let go of the blame and anger for myself and the feeling that I failed. I let go of my regrets. I let go of my anger towards her and the people around us that didn't stop things from happening and didn't clue me in. I let go and I prayed. I sought forgiveness and love. I sought peace. And there it was.... peace and love.

I am not angry with her anymore. I am not angry with me anymore. I will always love my children and I will always try to be the best mother, and best role model I can. And most of all, I will continue to truly treasure and enjoy this amazing life I've been blessed with. People can only damage or destroy you emotionally if you let them. I won't let them.

Mean Guy Story II

Now this one really saddens me....

We had a big rush job last week and we sent a number of our course books to be printed at the location where the training was being held (and delivered by another instructor). Unfortunately, we hit a little snag when we learned that the instructor would need to pay for the printing when he picked up the books. I gave Staples my Reward # because we get 10% rebate on printing and for a $600 job, that's a $60 check. We like that. And given that we ultimately were paying for the printing (it was being deducted from the total purchase price), it was our $60.

The middle-man firm contacted me today and gave me the total that they needed to reimburse the instructor: $650. I told them that wasn't correct, I had the total from Staples including tax. They emailed me over the receipt and come to find out the instructor added on another large copy purchase and tried to bill it back to me. To make matters worse, he told them to take off my Rewards number and use his!!!! So over all, he took us for over $100.

But that's not the worse part. When I confronted him about it, he lied. I really don't like liars. I talked to the girl at Staples who rang up the order and she cracked me up. She said that she's a real happy, bubbly person, but he burst her bubble when he came in. Said he was rude and demanding. I guess her manager wanted to schmooze the person responsible for this big order, so she came over to meet him and he was just downright rude to her. Which really bothers me because what if he's like this all the time? And he was using our materials??? Where's the passion, brother?

I want to be able to trust people.... I want to believe they are all good inside. This kind of stuff just makes me sad.

The ironic thing about these two mean guy stories - they both are members of PMI, which means they are required to uphold the ethical and professional standards of PMI, yet both seem somewhat.... what's the word? Snake-y? Slimy? And these are instructors!!! That's what saddens me the most!!!

Hebbel or Hegel? That is the question.... (aka Mean Guy Story I)

So here I am just trying to enjoy my blessings, espouse joy, happiness, peace and love.... and then along comes mean people trying to shake me out of my bubble of happiness. That's just so sad!

I guess that's why people blog, though, right? So I can vent with my keyboard, pretending that no one will ever read it, yet deep down getting significant enjoyment out of the fact that I know someone just might possibly read it! I don't want to be one of those negative people, that the only thing they can talk about is how this is bad and that is bad (ummmm.....yeah... I know quite a few of them!). But at the same time, there is a proven psychological benefit to venting (within reason). See, the actual act of talking (and I do believe typing - although maybe I'm stretching it) releases dopamine. We all know what dopamine is, right? The feel good hormone that opiates actually mimic. That's why therapy and counseling always seem to help. It's not that the therapist gives you any great magical solution, it's that you were able to sit and talk for 60 minutes, not be interrupted, and feel ok in doing so. Notice, they never solve your problem, they just listen and let you talk yourself through it. DOPAMINE! (glad to know my undergraduate degree in Psychology taught me something!)

So here's my dopamine release for the day....

Scenario One:
If you know me at all, there's one word that signifies what I'm all about: PASSION. I love the word, I love what it means, I love what it exemplifies. To me, if you're going to do something, give it all you got and do it with passion. Be committed. Be on-fire. I'm passionate about being a good mom, about being a good wife, about my companies, about my relationships, and most of all, about Him! (Thus the name of my blog: Belinda's Passion... and the name of my companies: Passionate Excellence and Passionate Project Management).

For years, the quote I've loved is Hebbel's quote: Nothing great in this world is accomplished without passion. The first time I saw it it was on a church marquis, and it just stuck. I learned about Hebble - he was a German poet and playwright and had quite a few quote-worthy sayings. So it seemed natural to me to put that quote on our webpages. I want our clients to know we are behind them 110%. We are passionate about their success and will go above and beyond.

Needless to say, I like to leverage technology and always seek to grow, learn, improve. I posted a discussion item on a LinkedIn group for PMP-certified project managers. This means that the members have already passed their exam, thus they are not potential clients of ours. I asked a few questions about how they selected their PMP prep course, what sold them on it, what was most important, etc. so that we could focus our business communications, etc. Most people on LinkedIn are open to sharing insights.

I was completely taken aback when I received an email as a result of that posting. It said:
"I always look for someone with a quote from Hegel (not Hebble) on their home page. Really, you should fix that. JD "

Of course, my first thought was to question myself. Did I really have it wrong all of these years? But, everything I found on the Internet said Hebbel. Now there were a few things that did say Hegel... but majority seems to rule. I sent back a nice reply that Christian Hebbel was the owner of the quote, we liked it and were going to keep it as-is. Was that wrong of me to reply?

So it had me thinking, and I checked out JD's LinkedIn profile. I was shocked to find out that he was a VP of membership for his local Project Management Institute (PMI) chapter. In addition, he's also a PMP instructor. Of course, my mind starts to wander..... and I'm thinking:

• Did he seriously just go to our site to pick it apart and that's what he came up with?
• Why would he take the energy to check a site and then take the time to email us with that comment?
• Is he insecure? Does he think I'm competition? (Duh- that's a PMP group, there are no potential clients on there)
• Why? Why? Why?
• If he had given us some other constructive criticism or responded to the original questions on the posting, I could see it. You know a "PS - your quote is credited to the wrong guy". But to just say it?
• Is he right? Is Hegel the guy and the rest of the Internet is wrong?

I am a big enough woman to admit when I'm wrong, so PLEASE, if you know for sure who said it, please let me know and I will update our site. In the meantime, thank you. I just needed a dopamine release over that situation.

For Brandy....

I've been thinking about our conversation yesterday, and I'm so glad that you opened your heart and were receptive to my words. (and we need to thank Pastor Ray for those words - he ROCKS!) True happiness comes from inside and knowing, trusting, and having faith in the Lord. He is the only sure thing in this world and he loves you no matter what.

As I was driving in this morning, I heard this song and it spoke to my heart. Read the words and let them touch you....

Tenth Avenue North - By Your SideFrom the album Over And Underneath
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child,
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?
Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands, at my side
They swallowed the grave, on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you

A Great Monday!

I'm delivering a PMP course in Phoenix for one of my clients and today was a big day - they have officially switched over to using our course materials. Wow - what an amazing difference. I had one repeat student in there who had taken the PMBOK 3rd Edition course with the other materials (from a well-known training provider - not mentioning any names) and then got to use ours today. He couldn't believe the difference and went on and on about how much better ours were. Especially loved the Quick Reference Study Guide (aka Devin's "brain-baby")

We also got excellent feedback from the instructor who used our materials last week. He gave us the ultimate compliment - said they were even better than Rita's. (for those of you who have any knowledge of PMP training providers - Rita is the tops!).

So I can officially say our course materials are a HUGE success. We've been picked up by the biggest contract training provider firm in the US as their primary PMP curriculum. WOOHOO!

I played around with AdWords tonight in Google, so we've got some ads running. We'll do an analysis of the click pattern on our site to see if it's worth the investment.

For anyone that reads my blog, we would absolutely LOVE feedback on our site - if it piques your interest, what could be better, any and all suggestions are welcome! http://www.passionatepm.com Please let us know what you think!

We know that we win people over once they sign-up, but we want to make an incredible first impression.

Peace!

The woman I want to be

Who knows? Maybe it's the fact that I have a milestone birthday this year... the big 4-0, but I've recently found myself becoming more nostalgic - taking into consideration the breadth and depth of my life and wondering if I'm doing it "right". Now here's the cool thing - I could care less that I'm turning 40, doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I embrace each year as they come, thankful that I have them. To me, another year on this earth signifies survival, strength, more time with my family and friends, more knowledge, more joy.

If I close my eyes and picture the woman I want to be.... picture the photograph of that woman, what I don't see is the typical society-created woman-desperately-trying-to-not-look-her-age. I want to radiate strength, health, and knowledge from the inside out, not vice versa. It appears to me as though many women faced with aging try to fix the outside. Almost like trying to do an extreme makeover on a 60-year-old house.... new siding, new kitchen, update the bathroom fixtures. But, none of that matters if the foundation isn't sound. If love isn't echoed off the walls of the home.

The woman I see in the picture is smiling. Not afraid of the smile (and frown) lines worn into her face. She is outdoors. Not smothered under sun screen but warmed by the sun. Her hair is long even though that's "not appropriate" for someone her age. Maybe in two French braids to keep the hair out of her face. Maybe there's a dash of mascara.... or maybe not. She is smart, she is proud, she is thankful, and she is happy. Her legs hurt from a day of hiking, her back is sore, and yet she smiles.

I am human, I admit, and I struggle with the same insecurities that many women struggle with - my thighs are too big, is that a grey hair? down there? But instead of being insecure, I want to embrace the body God gave me and treat it as though it was His temple. You know what? I'm proud to be sturdy Maine stock. We're rugged. That's just how He made us. My legs will never be small, nor will my butt. But, that's ok - and let me tell you, the butt comes in really handy while backpacking! It's a great shelf for my backpack to rest on!

There's an exercise that I do with the 7 Habits seminar - where I walk the participants through a visualization exercise - visualizing their funeral. What will your family say? your friends? your co-workers? Maybe it's because I had my best friend taken away from me when she was just 21, but I feel like I owe something to the world. As silly as it sounds, I want to make a difference. I want to inspire someone. I want to know that my life contributed to someone else's for the better. There's an awesome song playing on KLOVE right now that reminds me of this - I Want to Leave a Legacy. (I have the lyrics below)

So that will be my challenge in the coming days, months, years or as long as God gives me on this earth... creating my legacy. The mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, friend, teacher that I want to be. I want to be someone my girls are proud to say is their mother, who has inspired them to seek greatness in their lives, who taught them strength, pride, kindness, and compassion. I want my husband to know I loved him fully and truly. I want my friends to know that I was always there for them, if not physically, then emotionally.

And screw the funeral! I want a luau. When He takes me home, I want a party - (yes, you can even have a mai tai!) I want bright colors and music and laughter.

Lyrics from Nichole Nordeman:
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

So much happening!

Life just seems to go by so fast - and if I miss even a few days of blogging, it seems I've missed so much!

So I'll start from today and work backwards a bit. Today was a Mommy-Daughter bonding day with Brooke. After my bike ride this morning (and yes, it felt so good to be back on my bike - 12 miles!!!!), Brooke and I did Jillian Michael's 30-day shred workout. And boy is it a good one! Then we set out to destroy all of our hard work...

We decided to go to Chili's for lunch since Telle was working - I talked him into helping me bartend at Brooke's going away luau next weekend :-) After Chili's, we went to Staples to pick up the latest order of course materials for my class next week - they look so good. My husband is amazing! I'm really looking forward to using them in my class next week, especially after Friday, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Then it was off to the movies - gotta love a matinee! We saw My Life in Ruins, with the lady from My Big Fat Greek Wedding and it was really cute. The best part was that we got there early, so no rushing around, and the theatre was filled with older folks, so there was no cell phones going off, annoying talking/laughing/smirking/etc, etc. It was great... and the movie made us both want to take a girls' trip to Greece! We topped our day off with a stop at Baskin Robbins for a little treat. (calorie-free, of course).

So working in reverse, that leads me to Friday. Really wasn't that great..... actually, it kind of sucked. But it made me really appreciate everything coming up in the future. I was delivering The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People for an IT group at a health science university. If you know anything about the 7 Habits, it's very much a personal development program. Yet, the intention of the day long seminar was to teach them to be more effective from a professional perspective. Well, when the extent of the drive of 1/3 of the class was bouncing the stress balls off of each other's heads (and sending them across the room throughout the lecture), neither personal nor professional development entered their thought processes. They were so rude!

I gave 110% throughout the day, trying to relate the 7 Habits back to their jobs whenever I could. I do have an IT background so it's not like I didn't have an understanding of their work, but when you have people who could care less what you're talking about, you're not going to be effective. Which is kind of funny as I write that - here I was teaching them to be Highly Effective and yet I was less than effective. After the very long day, I had a very long drive home... but it was all good. I enjoyed the drive, the views, the music (cranked up Melissa and sang at the top of my lungs). At a few points, I did try to pretend that I was driving a new Jeep - LOL.

And I got the best gift.... the dark clouds that had gathered as I left LA, were transformed into the most amazing sunset as the sun went down in my rear view mirror. The beautiful colors were reflected on the mountains as I drove the desert - shrouded in shades of pink and rose. It was simply breathtaking. And I took that time to drive in silence (yes, Melissa was turned off) and thank God for all of the amazing gifts that he has blessed me with. I thought of my family, my precious daughters, my incredible husband. I thanked him for revealing to me my gifts and talents and allowing me to create an income with those gifts. It was so awesome. How can someone witness a sight like that without knowing there's a God?

On another really cool note, I found, or rather was found, by my long-lost sister-in-law thanks to Facebook. Kristen is the sister of the girls' biological father - the last time I saw or talked to her was 18 years ago. But we picked up like it was yesterday (a big bonus is that she's a Republican and is just as dismayed at what's happening in this country as I am!). It was good for the girls to be able to reconnect to a part of their past, despite the fact that there is no blood (both Kristen and Kirk were adopted). Which just goes to prove that family is not created by genetics, but by the heart and by love.

On a different note, I decided that I want to move to Belize - buy a little beachfront house, snorkel every day, enjoy the island/coast lifestyle. You know, fly back to the states every other month for a few weeks to deliver a class, write my books, treasure every moment with my husband. And property is so reasonable down there - even for beachfront. Make it so!

On the diet/exercise front.... still doing my shakes everyday... still no weight/inch loss. I've tried upping my calories, reducing my calories, increasing my exercise, decreasing my exercise... I know there's plenty of fat that could be melted off.... I just need to figure out the magic formula.