I feel as though I've been walking in a fog the past week and the fog is finally starting to dissipate and things are becoming much clearer. I am, after 23 years, officially an empty-nester. And it's amazing the feelings that this pivotal life event evokes. I guess my situation is somewhat unique in that I had my babies when I was a baby. I've never known what it's like to be an adult without having the care of three children. It really doesn't matter how old they are, you are on duty 24/7/365. I told Devin, it's like being told to walk.... and keep walking.... never resting, never taking a break for 23 years straight.
Even when they turn 18, if they still live under your roof and/or are still finishing school, you are bottom line responsible. Did they get up for school this morning? Will they make smart decisions when they are out driving around at night? Are they being responsible with their job and their money?
When you do get a vacation, you're never truly on vacation. In fact, it's almost worse because you are not right there with them, monitoring them. Mommy-worry-mode kicks into high gear. What if there's an emergency and you're not there?
So back to the event that resulted in my empty-nest... Brooke left for the Navy bootcamp this week. It was truly a bitter-sweet moment - perhaps a little more sweet than I would have anticipated. She has been in the delayed entry program for a year, so we've had more than enough time to prepare for this (and we were very supportive of her decision). There were some times during the past year that we thought she'd give up and not go through with
it - her biggest concern being leaving her hockey friends. (Ugh.)
I gave her a going-away luau, as is tradition in the family, and unfortunately it worked out that it happened to be the weekend Devin was gone. Interestingly enough, the same thing happened last year during Brandy's luau..... hmmmmmm...... The best part was realizing just how great my friends are - Kim was here (YAY!!) and Telle really stepped in and helped - both from the party / bartender perspective and ultimately providing some emotional support that I so desperately needed by the end of the evening. (Brooke laid some info on me that was pretty tough to take, but that's all that needs to be said. I want it dead and buried!).
Brooke really wanted to see Brandy before she left, so Kim and I decided to forego our previously planned trip and take an overnight road trip to Cali. I'm always up for a road trip, but this one was pretty brutal. After next to no sleep the night before, we were on the road until almost 2 in the morning. We went all day on Monday, and didn't get back home to AZ until close to midnight. Then it was up at 3:30 to bring Kim to the airport.
All in all the trip was good - although I can't say for sure that Brooke enjoyed it - which kind of defeated the purpose of going. But we had fun.... we went to the NEX on base and got some cool Navy stuff, then we drove down to Hollywood and walked around Hollywood Blvd (can honestly say that was a pretty big let down... not what I pictured at all). After lunch at CPK, we went to the beach up by Port Hueneme and checked out the seals and the sea lions. Before we knew it, it was time to get back on the road.
Tuesday was a really rough day with me and Brooke and the worst part was knowing that this was going to be our last day together. But I only saw her for a few minutes and they definitely weren't a good few minutes. So disappointing. By the time we put her on the military bus to the airport on Wednesday, I was done. Completely exhausted - both physically and emotionally.
Back at home, Devin and I got busy cleaning her room and her bathroom. We decided to re-arrange and move her stuff downstairs and make it the guestroom and move the music equipment upstairs and make a music room/lounge. It came out so good! But in all the cleaning and vacuuming we both missed Brooke's "last" call - literally by two minutes. I felt so bad.
The first few days after she left I was on an emotional roller coaster. I was angry that I was given information that made me realize she wasn't the person I thought she was. I felt betrayed, hurt, and stupid. I was deeply saddened that this was how my time with my girls was going to end. I was guilty - feeling like I did something wrong, I was a bad mom. And then I would feel guilty that I was happy to be starting this new chapter of my life with my husband. And then I would miss her terribly and be overcome with worry for her, knowing that the first three days are absolutely brutal at boot camp. I was in my own emotional hell - brought on completely by my own mind.
And then yesterday, I started letting go. I let go of the irrational fears of what her life will become. I let go of the guilt of enjoying our new start. I let go of the blame and anger for myself and the feeling that I failed. I let go of my regrets. I let go of my anger towards her and the people around us that didn't stop things from happening and didn't clue me in. I let go and I prayed. I sought forgiveness and love. I sought peace. And there it was.... peace and love.
I am not angry with her anymore. I am not angry with me anymore. I will always love my children and I will always try to be the best mother, and best role model I can. And most of all, I will continue to truly treasure and enjoy this amazing life I've been blessed with. People can only damage or destroy you emotionally if you let them. I won't let them.
Even when they turn 18, if they still live under your roof and/or are still finishing school, you are bottom line responsible. Did they get up for school this morning? Will they make smart decisions when they are out driving around at night? Are they being responsible with their job and their money?
When you do get a vacation, you're never truly on vacation. In fact, it's almost worse because you are not right there with them, monitoring them. Mommy-worry-mode kicks into high gear. What if there's an emergency and you're not there?
So back to the event that resulted in my empty-nest... Brooke left for the Navy bootcamp this week. It was truly a bitter-sweet moment - perhaps a little more sweet than I would have anticipated. She has been in the delayed entry program for a year, so we've had more than enough time to prepare for this (and we were very supportive of her decision). There were some times during the past year that we thought she'd give up and not go through with
it - her biggest concern being leaving her hockey friends. (Ugh.)I gave her a going-away luau, as is tradition in the family, and unfortunately it worked out that it happened to be the weekend Devin was gone. Interestingly enough, the same thing happened last year during Brandy's luau..... hmmmmmm...... The best part was realizing just how great my friends are - Kim was here (YAY!!) and Telle really stepped in and helped - both from the party / bartender perspective and ultimately providing some emotional support that I so desperately needed by the end of the evening. (Brooke laid some info on me that was pretty tough to take, but that's all that needs to be said. I want it dead and buried!).
Brooke really wanted to see Brandy before she left, so Kim and I decided to forego our previously planned trip and take an overnight road trip to Cali. I'm always up for a road trip, but this one was pretty brutal. After next to no sleep the night before, we were on the road until almost 2 in the morning. We went all day on Monday, and didn't get back home to AZ until close to midnight. Then it was up at 3:30 to bring Kim to the airport.
All in all the trip was good - although I can't say for sure that Brooke enjoyed it - which kind of defeated the purpose of going. But we had fun.... we went to the NEX on base and got some cool Navy stuff, then we drove down to Hollywood and walked around Hollywood Blvd (can honestly say that was a pretty big let down... not what I pictured at all). After lunch at CPK, we went to the beach up by Port Hueneme and checked out the seals and the sea lions. Before we knew it, it was time to get back on the road.
Tuesday was a really rough day with me and Brooke and the worst part was knowing that this was going to be our last day together. But I only saw her for a few minutes and they definitely weren't a good few minutes. So disappointing. By the time we put her on the military bus to the airport on Wednesday, I was done. Completely exhausted - both physically and emotionally.
Back at home, Devin and I got busy cleaning her room and her bathroom. We decided to re-arrange and move her stuff downstairs and make it the guestroom and move the music equipment upstairs and make a music room/lounge. It came out so good! But in all the cleaning and vacuuming we both missed Brooke's "last" call - literally by two minutes. I felt so bad.
The first few days after she left I was on an emotional roller coaster. I was angry that I was given information that made me realize she wasn't the person I thought she was. I felt betrayed, hurt, and stupid. I was deeply saddened that this was how my time with my girls was going to end. I was guilty - feeling like I did something wrong, I was a bad mom. And then I would feel guilty that I was happy to be starting this new chapter of my life with my husband. And then I would miss her terribly and be overcome with worry for her, knowing that the first three days are absolutely brutal at boot camp. I was in my own emotional hell - brought on completely by my own mind.
And then yesterday, I started letting go. I let go of the irrational fears of what her life will become. I let go of the guilt of enjoying our new start. I let go of the blame and anger for myself and the feeling that I failed. I let go of my regrets. I let go of my anger towards her and the people around us that didn't stop things from happening and didn't clue me in. I let go and I prayed. I sought forgiveness and love. I sought peace. And there it was.... peace and love.
I am not angry with her anymore. I am not angry with me anymore. I will always love my children and I will always try to be the best mother, and best role model I can. And most of all, I will continue to truly treasure and enjoy this amazing life I've been blessed with. People can only damage or destroy you emotionally if you let them. I won't let them.
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