Hard day

I don't even know where to begin. My heart feels like it is broken into a million pieces. There are only a few times in my life when I have felt pain like this and I could live the rest of my life never feeling it again.

To back-up a little....
We have four dogs - our little malte-poo Baxter who is about to be 10, Bangara who is a street dog from India whom I rescued while I was working in Bangalore, Sampson who just turned 2, rescued from the euthanasia list, and Sierra, also almost 2 who was also on "the list". Last spring we had a horrible episode when through some type of escalation, Bangara turned on little Baxter. He started attacking him and that aroused the pack or fight instinct in Sampson. The attack was brutal and Baxter was lucky to come out alive. He required surgery and multiple stitches.

It was so hard to imagine any of our dogs being aggressive. They are raised like our children, in our home, and spoiled probably way more than my girls were. They were sweet, and loving, and fun. But that day I saw something horrifying.

Since that time, there have been no repeat instances although we have learned to be constantly on edge. We were warned that once dogs exhibit red-zone behavior their potential for re-offense is significantly higher. We protected Baxter, keeping him separate as much as possible.

So last night I get home after being gone a week. Bangara and I have always had a very special bond, from that very first night I found him in Bangalore. One of the things I look forward to most coming home is Bangara's excited little dance and prancing about. Last night was no exception. As Bangara pranced around me excited, Sam decided to join in. Next thing we knew they were in battle. We were able to separate them, settle them down, and once we were certain they were calm, we tried again. The same result, but this time when trying to separate them Devin got bit on his hand and his stomach.

I guess we always knew that it was a ticking time-bomb waiting to explode. We knew the chances were high for recurrence of the aggression, but we just did not want to believe it. We slept with heavy hearts and wanted to believe that it was all a misunderstanding or an isolated incident when we awoke. But it wasn't.

No more than five minutes after getting them up from their crates this morning, they attacked each other again. After a lot of tears, discussion, more tears, and a discussion of our options, we decided the only thing we could do was to put them both down. We discussed trying to find another home for each of them, but chances were they would be aggressive again. We could not live with the thought of a child being injured or attacked. Or another pet. Or a person.

Brittany met us at the vets and Devin and I both stayed with them, one at a time, as they drew their last breaths. We hugged them and pet them and told them over and over how much we loved them. We told them each the story of how we came to rescue them and how much we loved being their mommy and daddy. We told them that we would see them again some day and that it wouldn't hurt. They would just fall asleep. The vet's office was amazing and let us spend time with each of them. They gave them a slight sedative to make sure they were relaxed and unafraid.

I try to look at it as though we gave each them years that neither one of them would have had otherwise. We gave them love and care and attention. We played with them when we were home and missed them when we weren't. And in return I received the most beautiful unconditional love.

But I know it is going to take a very long time for my heart to heal.... and maybe it never will. Each loss I've experienced in my life has taken a few more pieces. Pieces that don't ever seem to be replaced.