Forgiveness

God is great at giving us messages, we just need to listen to those messages. Sometimes they are subtle. Sometimes they are like a 2x4 upside the head. I recently had the 2x4 type of message.


D and I have been much more active with our church (Desert Breeze Community Church - simply AMAZING!) and have recently graduated from their Game of Life class, which was incredible. We have joined a small group (Pastor Ray and the church members believe life change happens best in small groups - and it's so true!) and I am so excited about the direction in which our life is going. I'm putting everything we've learned into action and truly trying to live by His word.


But then real life hits and I take a major detour, or should I say backslide.


Here is the story of one such backslide. Needless to say, elections can be energy-charged and emotional. We had a lot at stake during this particular election and the risk at which our country could potentially (and now IS) under, definitely allowed my emotions to get the better of me. (Especially given that two of my children are giving their life to their country which now has a Commander-in-Chief with absolutely NO military experience.....oops... that was a tangent....sorry). To make a long (and ugly) story short, I lost my temper with some folks in the line at the polls. They had failed to read the signs directing individuals with the last name A-L in one line and M-Z in the other line. Instead of changing lines once they realized their mistake, they decided to stay in the wrong line until they got to the registration table, so that they could simply move over to the correct line without having to "go to the end of the line".


Enter Belinda being irrational and emotional. I made it known that I was not happy with their approach (you know, the "hey, I just screwed up, but instead of inconveniencing myself, I'd rather have everyone else pay for it" - hmmmmm.... wonder who they were voting for??). I also made a comment as to the fact that if they can't read the signs, should they really be casting a ballot for the next President of the US? (yes, I know.... I was being a jerk). They became obviously as outraged by my comments as I was by their behavior, and do you think I would back down?? Of course not (see earlier note about being irrational and emotional).


Suddenly the woman turns and looks at me and says "Can't you have any forgiveness?" Ouch. There was a shock right to the core of my being. It stung. But again, I'm still irrational and emotional.


By the time I get my ballot and finish my voting, I'm feeling regret over my behavior and I keep coming back to her choice of words. Forgiveness. I look for the people outside of the polling location so that I can apologize, but they are gone. For the next week, it tears at my heart. It eats me up inside. I want to apologize. It's not them that needs forgiveness, it is me. I try to think of some way I can possibly apologize. Could I post a bulletin on our community website? Would they see it? Maybe the local paper?


Now, at the same time this is all happening, I have another long-waging battle going on. One that I have been praying about for awhile and really hoping to end, once and for all. It was a black, deep-rooted bitterness and resentment toward my sister. I felt it fester inside me like a cancer, it was all-consuming and constantly ate at me, threatening to overshadow any positive in my life. I was so angry with her and I could not let it go. When I felt my heart start to soften, I would think about the worst of the worst over the past two years and my anger would come back.

While I was traveling a few weeks earlier, I read an article about these four sisters. One had been badly burnt over 90% of her body in a small plane accident with her husband. She shouldn't survive, but she did. Her sisters pitched in, stepping in to raise her children. They visited her constantly, talked with her daily, sat beside her, cried next to her, and they desperately loved, prayed for, and supported their sister. She was a blogger, and while she lay in a coma, they updated her blog. My heart grieved for my sister, not in a coma, not dead, but simply removed from my life through unforgiveness.

But it wasn't until a week after the "poll incident" (aka Belinda's a jerk suffering from verbal diarrhea), that I finally got it. There's the 2x4. Upside the head.... hard. God realized that I wouldn't come to on my own through gentle messages. Nor through weekly church services. Not through discussion in our small groups. I needed a painful assault. And I needed the word "Forgiveness" to get the message.

The day it finally clicked, I sent my sister a text message. It was our first contact in over 2 1/2 years. The next day she responded, and we talked for over two hours that night on the phone. I'm still fearful at times at what the future might hold, that she might hurt me or us again, but it's ok. Because although I could never forget what happened, I can forgive. And as she apologized to me, I realized she was not the only one at fault. I had carried a self-righteous, bitter and unforgiving attitude for all of those months. I, too, needed her forgiveness.

She moves back to the valley tomorrow and I'm actually excited about the possibilities of reconnecting with my sister. We've talked a lot about DBCC and she has promised to check it out.

Perhaps the biggest lesson of my life, and it required the mirror to be held in front of me until I could no longer turn from my reflection. I had to recognize that person that was in the mirror.